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Submitted on
December 22, 2013
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Glitter on every surface.
I hate the damp way it shines
& reminds me of those pretty things
that break your heart sometimes.

It convolutes my fingerprints
as I lay them on your door,
you'll never know that I was here
or what I came here for.

It'll shimmer 'til it rains again,
then wash down to the ground
but even if I was six feet away
you wouldn't know I'd been around.

The rain purifies this suffering
and washes me clean of crimes
& reminds me of those pretty things
that break your heart sometimes.
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:iconshadowedacolyte:
Hi, I'm here to critique this piece for CRITmas! Requisite disclaimers: 1) this critique is only my opinion, which you're free to heed or not as you like; 2) the critique will be more negative than positive, but only because it will naturally touch on things I like about the piece but more extensively discuss the things I don't, and 3) please don't be upset about the stars--I'm very stingy with them, as I think a work that is all around solidly done and enjoyable to read is a 3.

Lacking any questions from you, I'll just go through the poem start to finish and then wrap up with some closing thoughts.

Title: I like this. The detail (17th) makes the whole poem, which isn't overly specific about details/people/etc, seem more true, more relateable, more like it's about real people. And "rainy" sets up the fresher description of "glitter" in the first line. Maybe I'd add "the" before "17th".

Stanza 1 (S1): I might end the first line with a colon, because generally in this poem you've used periods only to end complete thoughts. I wonder if you couldn't convey "I hate" without just stating it outright--maybe by using more negative connotation words to describe it, like "damp". I personally don't like the ampersand--you also use "and" in the poem, so I'm not sure why you use them interchangeably. The language here isn't overly original, but the tone shift from glitter->hate->damp->break your heart is solid. The rhymes I found obvious, but not problematic--none of them seemed too forced, which is the worst thing with rhyme, and the slight sing-songiness of the rhythm they create seems to fit the subject matter well. With only marginal work (perhaps extending the poem) this could be better called a lyric.

S2: "convolutes" here was a much fresher and more effective image than anything in S1. Good choice. This is the most sing-songy stanza by far, which might be a good or bad thing depending on what you want this piece to sound like. I also like the mystery set up here.

S3: I think you could get by without the poemy " 'til". This first line as well contains two uses of "it" referring to different things, which is a little clunky/confusing. I'd recommend replacing the first "it" with a noun instead of a pronoun. L3 breaks the rhythm of the piece, which has been largely iambic, instead mucking about with some three-syllable feet. Outside of technical terms, though, it is still an interruption. "yet if I was but six feet away" might flow better, or some similar change.

S4: "rain purifies" is a bit cliche, and "suffering" is a generality that would be stronger with something specific to the speaker, but "crimes" is highly suggestive after "fingerprints" in an earlier line. The repeated lines make a good ending to the piece, bringing it back to the start. Again there's an odd ampersand.

General comments: I think there's something missing from this piece. This is how it goes, in my head: S1 (yes, rain does suck sometimes. why is the speaker out in the rain?), S2 (Aha, crime is afoot! I'm hooked. What's the crime?), S3 (No clue on the breaking-and-entering crime, but now the speaker is stalking someone?), S4 (Rain washes the crime away, but I still don't know what it was. And the speaker's come full circle, but I got lost on the way.). I'm not saying that a poem needs to be totally clear, but this one lacks accessible details. It feels incomplete. Possibly a more detail-rich stanza could be introduced between S2 and S3. I do like the ending in S4, so I wouldn't add more past that, only before. As it is now, though, it's an enjoyable but fleeting read.

Still, thank you for sharing your work. If you have any questions about the above, I'd love to answer them. If you do edit the work, I'd love to see it. Have a great day!
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:iconprussianpersephone:
PrussianPersephone Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
it's a really pretty but sad piece. just like rain can be.
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2014
Nods. Sometimes I love rain. Sometimes I hate it.
Reply
:iconwinterleave:
WinterLeave Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
very pretty!
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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2014
and sad!
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:iconcielrulez:
CielRulez Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
wow.... just... wow...
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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2013
:blush: Gosh, thank you! :tighthug:
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:iconcielrulez:
CielRulez Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
you're welcome! Heart 
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:iconkillerlord123:
killerlord123 Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2013
I love the rain...
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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2013
It depends on my mood.. I sometimes love it.
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:iconkillerlord123:
killerlord123 Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2013
Do you like it when you're in a a good or a bad mood?
Reply
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