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KathrynODriscoll by FoxofEbony

Literature by fluffy333

Literature by Imperial-Radiance

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Submitted on
August 18, 2013
File Size
286 bytes


129 (who?)
You painted a neon yellow streak
across my ankle
and told me I was art.
I raked a venomous red line
across your throat
and replied: and you're a liar.

♥ Kathryn O'Driscoll © 2013

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The poem is very well-written and the emotion within it has a very high impact. It's very thought-provoking--I had to read it twice to fully understand the author's intended meaning behind it. My only problem with this poem is the execution. The semi-colon is grammatically incorrect, as a semi-colon is used in place of a conjunction and is followed by a subject, such as a pronoun (grammatically speaking, it is only used to separate two complex sentences). A semi-colon used followed by dialogue would therefore be incorrect. It would be proper to use either a colon or a comma--also, I think it would sound better without the last "and" or the word "neon".
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
15 out of 15 deviants thought this was fair.

The poem is a pretty original story and a route that not many people take with their work. Whether this is a personal encounter or something close to the heart, the writing speaks because it has enough meat to the content to be able to tell a story while giving the reader enough room to fill in their own names because of the minimal background.

If not, then what I have with the poem is the grammatical error near the end. I love the impact the poem has, but that one thing throws me off because my eyes are just drawn to it. I was not sure if you meant it to be that way, but in the end, it is incorrect. There are some grammatical and mechanical mistakes allowed in poetry and literature though, so I'm sure that you'll have a great turnout no matter what I have to say about this piece.

The other thing I had a question about is the lines of the stanzas. Recently, I've been seeing a lot of work where people do not know what to do with line-splitting. I am not an expert in the area, but it made the piece a little harder to read at first. I understood later which lines were split and for what reasons such as the introduction, anatomy, and reply. However, keep in mind for future pieces that it might confuse readers.

Again, thank you as always for letting me be a critique of the work. I look forward to more of your artwork. I especially want to thank you for your time in writing and creating artwork. If nothing else, artwork is for the person who creates. The people trying to figure it out comes afterwards. Good luck with your future endeavors.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
11 out of 11 deviants thought this was fair.

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shep4life Featured By Owner Oct 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
haha awesome
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Oct 3, 2013
:) thank you!
shep4life Featured By Owner Oct 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
otterluver Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
You conveyed SO much emotion in six short lines.. That is amazing. :clap: Well done. 
Zevais Featured By Owner Aug 24, 2013  Hobbyist
i bled a dark red splatter
along my wrist
and you showed me its ugliness.
you littered soothing clear drops
into my mouth
and told me: i believe in you.
PrussianPersephone Featured By Owner Aug 23, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Dang, this is really short but brutal. Love it. <3
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Aug 27, 2013
Thank you!
youlittlesquid Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2013
wow, really feeling the anger in this, good job:)
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2013
:D Thank you so much!
Synesthi Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2013
I love how you can infer much of the story between these two people with only a few lines and details! Excellent work!
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