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You painted a neon yellow streak
across my ankle
and told me I was art.
I raked a venomous red line
across your throat
and replied: and you're a liar.

♥ Kathryn O'Driscoll © 2013

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:iconmajikku7:
The poem is very well-written and the emotion within it has a very high impact. It's very thought-provoking--I had to read it twice to fully understand the author's intended meaning behind it. My only problem with this poem is the execution. The semi-colon is grammatically incorrect, as a semi-colon is used in place of a conjunction and is followed by a subject, such as a pronoun (grammatically speaking, it is only used to separate two complex sentences). A semi-colon used followed by dialogue would therefore be incorrect. It would be proper to use either a colon or a comma--also, I think it would sound better without the last "and" or the word "neon".
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
15 out of 15 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconadmiralsarcasm990:
The poem is a pretty original story and a route that not many people take with their work. Whether this is a personal encounter or something close to the heart, the writing speaks because it has enough meat to the content to be able to tell a story while giving the reader enough room to fill in their own names because of the minimal background.

If not, then what I have with the poem is the grammatical error near the end. I love the impact the poem has, but that one thing throws me off because my eyes are just drawn to it. I was not sure if you meant it to be that way, but in the end, it is incorrect. There are some grammatical and mechanical mistakes allowed in poetry and literature though, so I'm sure that you'll have a great turnout no matter what I have to say about this piece.

The other thing I had a question about is the lines of the stanzas. Recently, I've been seeing a lot of work where people do not know what to do with line-splitting. I am not an expert in the area, but it made the piece a little harder to read at first. I understood later which lines were split and for what reasons such as the introduction, anatomy, and reply. However, keep in mind for future pieces that it might confuse readers.

Again, thank you as always for letting me be a critique of the work. I look forward to more of your artwork. I especially want to thank you for your time in writing and creating artwork. If nothing else, artwork is for the person who creates. The people trying to figure it out comes afterwards. Good luck with your future endeavors.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
11 out of 11 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:iconshep4life:
shep4life Featured By Owner Oct 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
haha awesome
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Oct 3, 2013
:) thank you!
Reply
:iconshep4life:
shep4life Featured By Owner Oct 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
anytime
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:iconotterluver:
otterluver Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
You conveyed SO much emotion in six short lines.. That is amazing. :clap: Well done. 
Reply
:iconzevais:
Zevais Featured By Owner Aug 24, 2013  Hobbyist
i bled a dark red splatter
along my wrist
and you showed me its ugliness.
you littered soothing clear drops
into my mouth
and told me: i believe in you.
Reply
:iconlupus-astra:
lupus-astra Featured By Owner Aug 23, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Dang, this is really short but brutal. Love it. <3
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Aug 27, 2013
Thank you!
Reply
:iconyoulittlesquid:
youlittlesquid Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2013
wow, really feeling the anger in this, good job:)
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2013
:D Thank you so much!
Reply
:iconsynesthi:
Synesthi Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2013
I love how you can infer much of the story between these two people with only a few lines and details! Excellent work!
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2013
:) Thank you! I love attempting to do that.
Reply
:iconsynesthi:
Synesthi Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2013
You're extremely good at it! :)
Reply
:iconfoxofebony:
FoxofEbony Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2013
Amazing :)
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2013
:D Thanking you!
Reply
:iconfoxofebony:
FoxofEbony Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2013
You're welcome :)
Reply
:iconhushed-lullabies:
hushed-lullabies Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
i love this <3
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2013
:) Yay ! thank you
Reply
:iconhushed-lullabies:
hushed-lullabies Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
you're very welcome! <3
Reply
:icondaghrgenzeen:
Daghrgenzeen Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Strong. That's all I've got to say, really.
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2013
:tighthug: Thank you
Reply
:icondaghrgenzeen:
Daghrgenzeen Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Welcome!
Reply
:icongigglefitt25:
gigglefitt25 Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2013   Traditional Artist
Incredible
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2013
:D Thanks :)
Reply
:icongigglefitt25:
gigglefitt25 Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2013   Traditional Artist
np ^_^
Reply
:iconjaydanjercobain:
JayDanjerCobain Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Wow this is brilliant. Short yet strikingly powerful. Love it.
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2013
:love: Thank you so much! 
Reply
:iconravinniaofcreed:
ravinniaofcreed Featured By Owner Aug 18, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I love it.
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2013
Yay! Thanks :D
Reply
:iconravinniaofcreed:
ravinniaofcreed Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
No problem!
Reply
:iconlewislee0130:
lewislee0130 Featured By Owner Aug 18, 2013  Hobbyist
Does the yellow streak has any special meaning in it? Why art? Or it just that simple with no other special meanings.
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2013
Yellow is my favourite colour, I suppose I associate it with pure happiness and beauty. The concept behind this is, he finds her beautiful, she doesnt believe him.
Reply
:iconlewislee0130:
lewislee0130 Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2013  Hobbyist
Thanks for explaining~ I understood now. Love it really.
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2013
:tighthug: yay!
Reply
:icondragonschest:
DragonsChest Featured By Owner Aug 18, 2013  Professional Writer
Quite a retort... :lol:
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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2013
:]
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:iconsolis-ortus:
solis-ortus Featured By Owner Aug 18, 2013  Student Writer
this is so amazing wowowoowow. great job.
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2013
:love: Thank you so much
Reply
:iconsolis-ortus:
solis-ortus Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2013  Student Writer
you're welcome!
Reply
:iconchromeantennae:
chromeantennae Featured By Owner Aug 18, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Wow, this is quite the piece and the ending is sharp! Wow, great job, Kathryn. :)
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2013
:D Thank you! Yay, I love 'sharp'. What a compliment :D
Reply
:iconchromeantennae:
chromeantennae Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
My pleasure as always, my friend. :D
Reply
:iconwolflogics:
wolflogics Featured By Owner Aug 18, 2013
lovely and epic :heart: :)
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2013
:love: Aw thank you!
Reply
:iconsvartulf:
Svartulf Featured By Owner Aug 18, 2013   General Artist
I love it, right to the point.
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2013
:D Thanks! me too :D
Reply
:iconsvartulf:
Svartulf Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2013   General Artist
As always... My pleasure dear.
Lol... sweets. :D
Reply
:iconunluckynumberxiii:
UnluckyNumberXIII Featured By Owner Aug 18, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Intense. I like it. :) 
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2013
:D Me too :D Thanks!
Reply
:iconunluckynumberxiii:
UnluckyNumberXIII Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
If my OC Muses let go long enough, I might try some re poetry myself...
Reply
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