Deviant Login Shop  Join deviantART for FREE Take the Tour
×

:iconbloodshotink: More from BloodshotInk


More from deviantART



Details

Submitted on
June 30, 2013
File Size
1.2 KB
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
366
Favourites
50 (who?)
Comments
26
Downloads
0
×
We are a bridge.

You wrapped a rope around my neck and strung me to a tree, in the hopes that, if you held me taut enough, you could walk all over me. Part of this forced smile rotted and broke off. You skipped over the holes until you forgot they were there.

Eventually the piece you landed on, whilst you tried not to fall through the chasms in my mind, began to break. You hit a little harder each time, and I shook, and splinters left us both with a collection of wounds to remember our days by.

I started to fray. I thought you would tether me again, as you had once before. I remembered the days you had worked so hard to secure me to the earth, to you. I remembered the day you made me part of the pathway to your future. I remembered how proud I was to be part of your home.

I held on as long as I could, soon holes were canyons and frays were the intricate lace of rivers through a continent. Eventually the cracks met, your negligence and my faulty materials, we disintegrated.

You bought a boat, and left me hanging.
Add a Comment:
 
:iconmoonstreamfeline:
I thought this was amazing.
Nothing really to criticize, apart from a few spelling mistakes. something seems to be missing, though (maybe more vocabulary?) - it seemed a little too simple, but at the same time I think you made it that way on purpose, because the simpleness shows the numb feelings that cuts off your words.
do you know what I mean?
maybe you don't, but anyways again, I loved it. It had a spooky distopian feel to it, but maybe that's just depending on my mood.
Something that would have made the poem more effective is more spacing (again, just in my opinion. I'm no expert) such as:



We are a bridge.

You wrapped a rope around my neck and
strung me to a tree,
in the hopes that,
if you held me taut enough,
you could walk all over me.

Part of this forced smile
rotted and
broke off.
You skipped over the holes
until you forgot they were there.


It makes the pace better, it adds more weight to each phrase and word. Y'know?
So I've already written nearly 200 words so I'll stop cos you get the idea.
Once more, excellent poem. I'm adding it to my favorites!
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

:iconstory-of-a-mind:
Story-of-a-Mind Jul 21, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Very strong imagery.
This sentence stuck with me:
Eventually the cracks met, your negligence and my faulty materials, we disintegrated.
It told me how a relationship can often end from both sides (if that makes any sense....).
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
Nods, it does, and thats what it was meant to convey
Reply
:iconfinnazepyr:
finnazepyr Jul 14, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I love how it ends. it made me think, and feel the emotion being the subject.
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
:] Thank you so much, I'm thrilled you enjoyed it!
Reply
:icondusk202:
dusk202 Jul 9, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
this was very well written.it made me think.
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
Thank you! I'm really glad :}
Reply
:iconwavesandbreakers88:
wavesandbreakers88 Jul 3, 2013  Student Writer
The ideas in this piece remind me of your other poem about the fish (it starts out, "He always told me I was deep.").

I like your imagery because it elicits two clear pictures in my mind. I first pictured a literal bridge, slowly becoming more dilapidated. Your imagery also elicits a less literal picture of a relationship, and what happens to the different people who take part in it. This poem is a good description of what human relationships can be like and the strong (if negative) effect we sometimes have on each other.

"Your negligence and my faulty materials"...Yeah. Wow. This is well-put. Sometimes these are the raw materials we're given with which to "build" a relationship, and it doesn't work out so well.

Anyway, I'm talking too much now, but I felt that this needed a larger comment. Thanks for sharing this!
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
:blush: Thank you! I am so glad that both images came across so clearly to you. For me this was about a relationship disintegrating, for lots of reasons. :love: I really appreciate you taking the time to leave me such a thoughtful comment! Thank you!
Reply
:iconwavesandbreakers88:
wavesandbreakers88 Jul 4, 2013  Student Writer
Yeah, that meaning came across to me too...I've been there. Gah.

Anyway, you're welcome!
Reply
Add a Comment: