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Submitted on
April 6, 2013
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All my life I have dreamt of love. I repeated scenarios in my mind until they sang pitch perfect a vibrato across an otherwise empty stage. Two particular fancies stayed in my mind often, lingering long after closing time to comfort me. I would dream of a man's confettied confession of love. He would cough it out and the blood of it, the reality of it, would slide down his chin and onto his shirt. It would be a palpable, palpitable love. He would say it to someone else and not know I was listening, and in turning our eyes would meet and the world would drain away, as a body prepped for fire.

My other dream was better. I would dream of a complicated scenario in which this man had to deny his love for me, or else I would be killed. I thought of filigree tangled emotions and situations and his looking me in the eye to tell me that he never loved me since the moment he saw me. I dreamt of knowing, and of allowing the truth to remain hidden, a seed tucked under a lung, under a rib, under the flesh. Hidden.

I never dreamt it would be like this. That he would say he doesn't want me and I would falter – that my feet would slip and I would catch myself on the rock face thinking - why?; or rather, why not?

In all those years I never considered that my childish literary games, of rehearsing futile emotion drenched circumstances with a variety of make believe characters, would come to stick in the back of my mouth, half swallowed and hard still. Hard and not quite formed, the unspoken pulpitious muscle of love, refusing to go down. Refusing to be tucked or hidden or coughed away.

All my life I have dreamt of love. Of great love; that rouses itself resolutely in the face of medicinal deaths. Of great love that shoots its arrows over the tip of the moon to set fire to the darkest parts. Of great love that would forgive me myself and find a way to wrap itself around a too too solid body. I never dreamt it would be like this, and that he would – that he ever could – turn his head, his cheek, his heart, away from me.

All my life I have dreamt of love. How foolish I was to believe in the dream.
I don't have much to say lately. I'm sorry.

2 new words today:
palpitable: something you are able to palpitate. (the heart)
pulpitious: something with qualities of pulp that moves (like pulse, heart)


and references:
too too solid: hamlet again.
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:iconnatsuthefaol:
NatsuTheFaol Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2013
this
is pure beauty
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jul 30, 2013
God, thank you :blush:
Reply
:iconnightshade-keyblade:
nightshade-keyblade Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
When will the games we play reach their end? Why must it be a game to begin with?
Reply
:iconsherbetblooms:
sherbetblooms Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Fuck, this hurts my heart so much. So beautifully sad - so heart wrenching :heart: I do understand.
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Apr 18, 2013
I'm late responding because April hates me, I apologise :[

:[ Thank you :rose:
Reply
:iconnekonekogirl997:
NekoNekoGirl997 Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Good job as usual. But don't you think it may have given it more of a character to add some part were you found the love in the beginning, or a somewhat happy but flimsy dream of a happy love?
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2013
Life isn't always like that. I write how I feel, not how I wish I felt
Reply
:iconnekonekogirl997:
NekoNekoGirl997 Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Trust me, I understand that. I just thought you were happier then that. But, then again, I don't know you very well.
Reply
:iconexquisiteoath:
exquisiteoath Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2013  Student General Artist
It's a universal theme, but I feel that you've brought some new nuances to it with your framing and your word choices.
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Apr 18, 2013
I'm late responding because April hates me, I apologise :[

Thank you! This was quite a personal confession I felt.
Reply
:iconexquisiteoath:
exquisiteoath Featured By Owner Apr 18, 2013  Student General Artist
While I'm confidant that it is personal, and it does read that way; I think it's something that everybody deals with at some point, to a greater or lesser degree. I think your words on the topic are unique.

At my heart I believe that there are always more stories to share, and that sharing your story is the most human thing you can do. This poem does that beautifully but without making it so personal that others are excluded from the heart of the themes.
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Apr 19, 2013
Nods, than you. I do try to share as honestly as I can
Reply
:iconexquisiteoath:
exquisiteoath Featured By Owner May 1, 2013  Student General Artist
And you do it beautifully.
Reply
:iconsvartulf:
Svartulf Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2013   General Artist
Fantastic stuff. I could not stop reading it. I understand I've felt this way many times in my life and never was able to speak it so clearly without offending someone. Thank you for sharing of yourself Kathryn.
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Apr 18, 2013
I'm late responding because April hates me, I apologise :[

Smiles, thank you Svartulf, you are always so accepting of my weirdest secrets. It makes me happy.
Reply
:iconaurora9912:
Aurora9912 Featured By Owner Apr 7, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Well said for not having much to say.
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Apr 18, 2013
I'm late responding because April hates me, I apologise :[
Thank you :]
Reply
:iconaugumon05:
augumon05 Featured By Owner Apr 7, 2013
You write a lot of poetry and stories, and i admire you for being able to write so much so often, but reading the things you post are likely to make me depressed for the simplicity of their subject. so often about a single base feeling, which i haven't had the pleasure of feeling ever before.
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Apr 18, 2013
I'm late responding because April hates me, I apologise :[

:tighthug: I'm sorry to make you sad, April is always a very sad time for me and the break up a few months ago didn't help, but I hope to move onto happier things soon. :rose:
Reply
:iconaurora9912:
Aurora9912 Featured By Owner Apr 7, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
And isn't it a talent that she is able to make you feel something that you haven't before? To enable you to visualize the emotion enough to depress you, about a "single base feeling", is what writing is all about.
Reply
:iconaugumon05:
augumon05 Featured By Owner Apr 7, 2013
that is not what i meant. I have seen a bit of her work and it is almost always about love. reading what she writes doesn't make me visualize it any more than reading some young adult fiction does. The word love is stated very often and just seeing how often it is in the piece of poetry depresses me for the simple reason that i am sure that there is no way for me to experience this emotion. I find that emotions never make an impression in my mood, whether the emotion is love, loss, sadness, burning hatred, or bubbling joy. Those are just words I know, having no more meaning in my life than the name of a long dead artist.
Reply
:iconaurora9912:
Aurora9912 Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I am sorry that your world is limited like that, really, I am. While emotions can be so crushingly painful-or wonderfully uplifting, they are what gives life meaning. While we all tend to hide from our own emotions they are always there, affecting what we do and feel whether we allow it or not. Having no idea what you are experiencing all I can say is that I wish you well.
Reply
:iconaugumon05:
augumon05 Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2013
Do not worry about it. I have made it this far in life without knowing what those feelings really are, so I should be able to get through the rest of my life in a similar fashion.
Reply
:icondonutmonk:
donutmonk Featured By Owner Apr 7, 2013  Hobbyist
:iconasdfghplz:
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Apr 18, 2013
:D!
Reply
:icondonutmonk:
donutmonk Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2013  Hobbyist
I honestly just re-read the writing this comment was attached to (because I haven't been on Deviantart so long D; ) and all the feels and the amazing writing and thewayyousendyourmessageinthatamazingstyleandartisticvoicevoiceofyoursdlifhbvrebvirbvrbfvihbtvhjierbfvuebvie. <3

Why are you so awesome?

Can you be my awesome sempai? o n o

*hides under table and peaks over edge*

Sow me your wayyyyssssssss..........
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2013
:tighthug: You are so lovely :giggle: I would show you my ways but I don't really know why people like my work so much! Feel free to note me if you want advice on anything though!
Reply
:icondonutmonk:
donutmonk Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2013  Hobbyist
People love your work because it's awesome. o n o

And honest.

And deep.

And fundamentally YOU.

Your work reflects yourself well, I think. Though I really can't say for sure because I don't personally know you the way you have gone about portraying this voice in your pieces is distinctively the deviant KathrynODriscoll,in any case.

When applied to visual work you can find a person to copy the style of another artist, but fans won't ever react or resonate as soundly to the mimicked style as much as they will the original artist's because the mimicked work won't ever really reflect that specific person.

To see your work is to see an extension of your mind, told in your voice, from your view, explained in the way you personally understand that moment/feeling/experience.

Bringing up the visual artist aspect, when an individual buys an artwork they pay for the artist's vision, their talent, endless hours and mistakes, the expression and reflection of their very minds. So I honestly appreciate the way you go about your poems, the honesty behind them, and most importantly your willingness to help others. Your work will always help more people than you think, including yourself. And you are in a position where you've found this out, I think. SO thank you again, because I know it's not an easy thing to do.

Anyways.

This comment's getting a bit long, so I'll drop it here. But really, pat yourself on the back more. Buy yourself that awesome cookie all for yourself because it's awesome and you're awesome and you know it's awesome to eat.

And once more; thanks.

You're one righteous person. <3
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jul 30, 2013
I can't even deal with this comment, haha, it makes me so emotional. You are too kind, I dont know what to say. :cries: :tears: :tighthug: I just try to be honest, and some times its easier than others. but comments like this remind me why I do it
Reply
:icondonutmonk:
donutmonk Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2013  Hobbyist
I'm just glad my humble comment is a part of the reason you make your voice public. Just being yourself is a gift that many forget we have. So when you put yourself out there to the eyes of the masses I commend you. We all know the world isn't always nice, but rather it is those few souls far and few in-between like yourself who remind us that we aren't alone and there are people out there that genuinely care, and don't need to be right there with you to prove it.

Eyes aren't the only way to believe, after all.

Stay strong, if not for yourself than for those who look up to you, those who you've helped and the countless others you will help in the future. <3
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Aug 2, 2013
:)) Thank you so much
Reply
:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Apr 7, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
All my life I have dreamt of love. How foolish I was to believe in the dream.

that's the perfect conclusion to this work. Its well compiled, the ideas spoken of are logical and make sense (because love is not a solid emotion - its a multitude of possibilities; and some simply do not work).

I do feel for you. I really do... but this sort of pain... takes time to be free from... to rid off... its a molting which needs... to be known... and then forgotten...

Inevitably... what matters for you now... is that your friends are around to lend you an ear... whenever you need it. Cheers.
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Apr 18, 2013
I'm late responding because April hates me, I apologise :[

Thank you so much, I'm so glad you liked this... I was nervous to share it because that repeating of love stories in my mind is something true and I've never mentioned it to anyone before because its a bit silly ...
Reply
:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Apr 19, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Your apprehensions are perfectly natural, so you needn't apologize. Stay happy, stay blessed, because that's what we're here for.
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Apr 19, 2013
:heart:
Reply
:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Apr 19, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:blush:
Reply
:iconscr1b3:
Scr1b3 Featured By Owner Apr 7, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
You will find love. Never give up the dream, for it is what keeps a part of you alive
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Apr 18, 2013
I'm late responding because April hates me, I apologise :[

Hope is the noose that hangs us - Kathryn O'Driscoll 2010 I think. :P
Reply
:iconscr1b3:
Scr1b3 Featured By Owner Apr 18, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
What you say is true, but it is also hope that keeps us alive, for as long as it does, and with that time, maybe things will get better
Reply
:iconfantasylover103:
fantasylover103 Featured By Owner Apr 6, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I just realized a loved a boy 2 hours ago, when he practically threw my emotions on the ground and kicked over them. I thought we were friends. Now I realized I liked him.

You're not alone in this. :iconilikeitplz:

We all want love. But only some get it.
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Apr 18, 2013
I'm late responding because April hates me, I apologise :[

Nods, sometimes we lose it.
Reply
:iconfantasylover103:
fantasylover103 Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
It hates you? How so?


I wonder what hurts more, losing love or realizing you had love but threw it away when it's too late...
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