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December 11, 2013
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I sit and stare at the toilet bowl.

A guy I know is bulimic.
When we compliment him
I see the twist of agony in his eyes
as his brain reprograms it
to sound like an expensive lie
that costs him another tear
in his tattered dignity.

Friends hurry to him,
to reassure him, to love him.
They tell him how beautiful he is.
We didn't know him before,
but he's definitely not fat now.
We whisper things in concern like;
body dysmorphic disorder.

'I know you'll never believe me
but you are so gorgeous -
not just on the inside.' Not just.
And they're right, I join in,
because they are right to say it
because it happens to be true -
he is stunning. Not just on the outside.

And we want him to see himself
the way we see him, beautiful.
And I join in because
I've felt that strangle of pain
in my stomach, bowels and belly,
when someone used to tell me lies.
So I know how he feels.

Only, he is beautiful on the outside
and I'm not.
He's not seeing reality in the mirror
and I am.
And people rush to correct him
because the truth, when he sees it,
will make him happy -

but not for me.
Awkward silences and smiles,
because no one can lie that well -
I sit at the back while they cluck
around a beautiful, broken boy,
and ache because if I wasn't
disgusting, repulsive, ugly -

then they might do the same for me.

and they don't.

so I sit and stare at the toilet bowl.
That extraordinary pain of reality... when you tell someone they are beautiful that they are beautiful, and give silence to those who are not.

For the record, this poem isn't about this guy, and I hope he never sees it because its truly not about him or his life, and I'm not going to name him or share who he is... this poem is about how I feel about myself.

I have binge eating disorder, there I finally told you guys. I dont want to talk about it because Ive only started tentatively mentioning it to people and havent really talked about it seriously with anyone yet (Im going to try and do that when I go home this week) - but my point is, with the binge eating, and knowing someone who hates themselves the way I do except they ARE beautiful, and I'm not... it makes the temptation to purge much more intense.. and I am frightened of losing the little control I have in my life.

I dont know what the fuck Im doing any more.


DISCLAIMER: Kids, eating disorders are bad mmkay? Not glamarous, not a shortcut to happiness, or thinness, or the boy or girl you want. It just doesnt work and fucks you up physically, mentally and emotionally. Just dont.
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:iconcohmisskyo:
I really felt this piece. I think we've all felt, at some point in time, that we were less deserving than someone else with the same problems - that we were less beautiful, less intelligent, less caring - and I think that we've all suffered with that feeling in silence because it feels selfish to say "I am enough to deserve your care too." This piece conveys that feeling in crystal clarity, all the hows and whys of it from one person's point of view, and it really struck a chord with me. It's a story of a heartbreak one resigns oneself to in order to keep on going, and that is a true and real thing. I also think it takes a lot of strength for a person to write about something like this and make other people see it through their eyes. Brava, KathrynODriscoll - write on.
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0hgravity Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
sad to see you don't think you are beautiful too. inside, outside... I only really see the inside. maybe it's because I talk more to people online?
you would not get silence from me.

I hope sharing it has been relieving and helpful. it looks like you have many supporting you here. including myself. 

you've expressed this heaviness you've been carrying very well in the poem. I understand what you mean and how you feel. powerful stuff.

:hug: 
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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2013
:tighthug: :tears: You are so kind. Thank you so much... :tighthug: I really appreciate your friendship
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:icon0hgravity:
0hgravity Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
aw, I try to be. you're welcome, of course :hug: and I yours.
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:iconindigokid17:
IndigoKid17 Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2013
Hey  you, 
 Just sayin, your writing is beautiful and comes straight from the heart. I can tell as I have been in a similar place. And I also want to say it gets better from here ;) As actions occasionally speak louder than words , in this case, I believe your impulse to write this incredible piece and post it for the world to see was amazing. That my friend , was an incredible act of courage, as you are , in a way asking for help and that, simply put, is the first step to finding yourself and becoming confident about who you are. But also, allowing others to read this gives courage and hope to the people out there suffering likewise. I found it rather inspiring. Keep writing and i'll be watching ;)Also ,keep being the amazing person you are. 

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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2013
Gosh thank you so so much! This helped me get through a rough couple of days :tears: You are too kind :tighthug: THANK YOU
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:iconcamelopardalisinblue:
camelopardalisinblue Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Sitting with you and loving you. The truth is... you are beautiful too. I don't know what you look like, but you really are beautiful where it counts. And you know, outside beauty, it fades. You get old and you get wrinkles and things sag. But inside beauty? That doesn't fade, it glows and it grows. And it matters, more than anything.

I know what it is to live in a world where the standard of beauty does not match your appearance, and it's hard. I know what it is to weigh more than what society says you should or can in order to be beautiful, and I know what it is to know that even if you did weigh the right amount, there are other things that stand in your way. But beauty standards change; what we decide is beautiful in one time may be ugly in another.

All people have beauty in them, and those who can't find it in others are the ones who are losing out the most.

All of that just boils down to: I hear you. I can relate. I'm sorry. I love you. I see beauty in you.
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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2013
:tears: thank you... I love you too. I hate putting this negative stuff out there because I know it affects people, makes them worry, but I find it impossible to communicate in every way except my poetry so.. I have to :[

Thank you for always helping me when you can :tighthug:
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:iconcamelopardalisinblue:
camelopardalisinblue Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
:huggle:

There's nothing wrong with saying it. People worry because they care -- I suspect they'd worry more if you stopped saying it because, like you said, your poetry is a form of communication.
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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2013
 Nods
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:iconcamelopardalisinblue:
camelopardalisinblue Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
:heart:
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