It's Not Love (but it hurts like it)
He says things to her that I wish men said to me.
Things like - the image of your beauty
will press in on the eyelids of men
your departure from this lifetime.
Things like - you make me feel like being myself
is not just acceptable but it is wonderful!
That I, being the only me I could ever possibly be,
is proof positive of a chaotic world
creating love and life and joy -
and that no one else but me
could make you smile the way you do.
Things like - I don't need you.
If you were gone I could breathe,
I could pump blood,
I could spit
I could do anything I wanted to -
but I would not want to.
I wouldn't want to do anything
without you by my side.
Things like - I'm always here for you,
because I prioritise the things that matter to me
and you are at the top
- so if that means I can't pay my rent
because I had to come save you
from the fog in your heart - and I lost my job - fuck it.
I'll still come.
...But try not to make me lose my job
because that would kind of suck for us,
so smile would you? I love your smile.
Things like -
you're not on your own anymore,
and things are going to be alright for you.
You aren't going to hurt forever.
It's a logistical impossibility that someone
who gives out so much love
could have continued on in their life without meeting someone
who could give that volume of love back,
and I want to be that man.
I want to be your man -
the one who strives to match your footprint
on this life.
And although he is not that man,
sometimes I wish he wasn't saying those things to her.
It's a broken-bone reminder
that no one ever wants to say them to me
- and that (and not him)
my sparrowbird heart.