Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login
It's Not Love (but it hurts like it)

He says things to her that I wish men said to me.

Things like - the image of your beauty
will press in on the eyelids of men
long after
your departure from this lifetime.

Things like - you make me feel like being myself
is not just acceptable but it is wonderful!
That I, being the only me I could ever possibly be,
is proof positive of a chaotic world
creating love and life and joy -
and that no one else but me
could make you smile the way you do.

Things like - I don't need you.

If you were gone I could breathe,
I could pump blood,
I could spit
and sneeze.
I could.
I could do anything I wanted to -
but I would not want to.
I wouldn't want to do anything
without you by my side.

Things like - I'm always here for you,
because I prioritise the things that matter to me
and you are at the top
- so if that means I can't pay my rent
because I had to come save you
from the fog in your heart - and I lost my job - fuck it.
I'll still come.
...But try not to make me lose my job
because that would kind of suck for us,
so smile would you? I love your smile.

Things like -
you're not on your own anymore,
and things are going to be alright for you.
You aren't going to hurt forever.
It's a logistical impossibility that someone
who gives out so much love
could have continued on in their life without meeting someone
who could give that volume of love back,
and I want to be that man.
I want to be your man -
the one who strives to match your footprint
on this life.

And although he is not that man,
sometimes I wish he wasn't saying those things to her.
It's a broken-bone reminder
that no one ever wants to say them to me
- and that (and not him)
wrecks
my sparrowbird heart.
Add a Comment:
 
:iconlheonce:
Before I start criticizing anything, I need to warn you because English is not my first language, and I might make some mistakes. Sorry in advance for that! ><
So, let’s go!

This poem describes a reality that more often than not, we are not aware of. What I mean is that jealousy is not always because of love, and you depictured that perfectly, but because of the lack of it. Some people just want to feel loved by someone, anyone, really, and the ones who are in love just usually don’t see it.

I like how you switch from lyrical style to oral style throughout you poem. It really shows (in my opinion) that people in love don’t speak to their significant other the same way they speak to anyone else. They always have soft words for each other (and your poem is full of it), that others can be jealous of.

What I loved the most about your poem is your use of direct speech. It gave to the reader (and me by extension) the impression that he is speaking to us. That all these sweet words are meant for us. And it adds to the bitterness of her and the brutality of the end, because it (the end) reminds us that, no, they aren’t meant for us, and for a brief second, we can feel (if we haven’t before) like her.
Brilliant use of references to the beginning of the poem at the end, btw. Oh, and great ending. Really powerful, and convade perfectly your point.

The only negative critic I will do (but it is a very light one) is where you cut some of your verses.
For example, I would have separated “so smile would you?” from “I love your smile.” (I do think it is personal, but this critic is personal anyway…), and the two last verses, that I think would strike more of you add them one the same (and maybe use a different typography for “wrecks”).
Oh, and before I switch to another topic, beware of repetitions! I saw a few (with like and things) and it breaks the rythm. Which is really a pity, because your poem is lovely!

To conclude, I had a great time reading your poem, and even though jealousy and love are themes practically overused, you approach it with an original point of view and a refreshing style that I really liked! (Hope there wasn’t too much mistakes!)

- Lheonce
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
15 out of 15 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconnicholasname:
To me, literature isn't just "literature."
It is also visual art. Because, after all, we have to SEE the words with our EYES.
Your poem is one of the most aesthetically, visually beautiful poems I have seen, in, like, all time.
The structure you devised is complex, layered, and profound and it works well with the contemplative, sincere rhythm and tone.
I love it. Excellent job, it is very good.
The very fact that you're expressing your feelings shows two things: bravery and determination.
This poem will be on my mind for quite some time.
A+ for uniqueness and style.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
1 out of 1 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

:iconianabelleisak:
IanabelleIsaK Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2014
Very touching.
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2014
Thank you :love:
Reply
:iconbeyondjen:
BeyondJen Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
This is lovely and painful in all the right ways. There's beauty in honesty as raw as this, and I think you displayed it perfectly. It's impossible not to feel this. :heart:
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2014
Oh thank you :tighthug: Wow!
Reply
:iconbeyondjen:
BeyondJen Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
My pleasure! :heart:
Reply
:iconshadowedacolyte:
ShadowedAcolyte Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2014
There are some really good images/lines in here, but I think it could be stronger if it were shorter and it strung them together more neatly.
Reply
:iconflermigan:
Flermigan Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2014
This is so heartbreakingly beautiful. Just raw and honest and everything that makes reading poetry worthwhile. I'm also pretty sure I love you now. So, nice job ;)

:heart:
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2014
Oh thank you so sosoososos so much! :love: That really brightened my day!
Reply
:iconflermigan:
Flermigan Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2014
Aw :) Im glad :heart:
Reply
:iconlupus-astra:
lupus-astra Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Fuck dude, I understand what you're saying perfectly. Well, I think I do.

Basically this is bitter and sweet at the same time and I know that feeling all too well.
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2014
Nods :tighthug: It suckkks
Reply
:iconlaurencezombi:
LaurenceZombi Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2014  Student General Artist
The Story Of My Life...
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2014
nods
Reply
:iconwinterleave:
WinterLeave Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
O Kate, of course you will be loved! Never stop believing in love! Someone as kind and caring as you deserves nothing less!
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2014
:tears:
Reply
:iconkzeolite:
KZeolite Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
This is beautiful! All your poems are!
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2013
oh thank you!
Reply
:iconladyneytiri:
LadyNeytiri Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2013  Student General Artist
I really really love this. I don't know how to explain why but
it just speaks to me in a way that makes my heart fly~ <3
So wonderful...
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2013
:tighthug: I'm so glad, thank you
Reply
:iconladyneytiri:
LadyNeytiri Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2013  Student General Artist
:tighthug: You are most welcome my dear~
Reply
:iconmrlostintime:
MrLostInTime Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2013
One of the most moving things I've ever read. 
Simply wonderful.
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2013
Aww! Thank you so much :love:!!
Reply
:iconaquaticbird:
AquaticBird Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
This is so lovely, I love the overall feel and tone of this! ^^
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2013
Aw thank you so much :D
Reply
:iconaquaticbird:
AquaticBird Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Welcome! ^^
Reply
:iconbundle-w:
bundle-w Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
There are many strong  points in the poem, but these lines very much touched me:

You aren't going to hurt forever. 
It's a logistical impossibility that someone 
who gives out so much love 
could have continued on in their life without meeting someone 
who could give that volume of love back,
and I want to be that man.

And as people have mentioned before, the ending is heart-wrenching. Maybe because I am reading this from a very personal place, I felt my own sparrowbird heart break along the poem's narrator's.
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2013
:tighthug: I'm so glad you enjoyed this - in a way - :tighthug: 
Reply
:iconsashastub:
SashaStub Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2013  Student General Artist
It's very beautiful, I don't think I can relate to it, but it just stands out in a really good way, that makes this undeniably a piece of art.
The sad thing is just, I don't understand it, I don't understand where this is getting at, love? Unhappy love? Or early-aged love between a girl and a boy?
If anyone, much SMARTER than me, could explain this, please do.
Because i would like to know what this is actually about(I feel so stupid for not seeing the point) :c
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2013
For me ( at least ) this is a girl who is jealous that a guy friend is in love with another girl... and she's basically saying, its not that I think your the love of my life, its just that i feel close to you and its devastating that i am never the girl people are saying these things to.


Reply
:iconsashastub:
SashaStub Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2013  Student General Artist
Okay, that was my guess too, really beautiful c:
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2013
Thanks! :love:
Reply
:iconsashastub:
SashaStub Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2013  Student General Artist
You're welcome :)
Reply
:iconsouthparkfangirl9000:
So basically level 90001 friend zone?
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2013
LMFAO
Reply
:iconganalef:
Ganalef Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
"wrecks
my sparrowbird heart."

This morning I can't focus and must go out and play or eat or something, but I really like that phrase and wanted to say so first.
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2013
:tighthug: Thank you so much
Reply
:icondreamwalker001a:
dreamwalker001a Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2013  Student Filmographer
just amazing =D
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2013
Thank you!!
Reply
:icondreamwalker001a:
dreamwalker001a Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2013  Student Filmographer
you're welcome
Reply
:iconcammie-pink:
Cammie-Pink Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2013   Artist
this is something i can relate to. nowadays, i bit apathetic when it comes to love.
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2013
Aw well I'm glad you enjoyed this
Reply
:iconcammie-pink:
Cammie-Pink Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2013   Artist
your'e  welcome. by the way, you can feel free to look through my art gallery, i have some poems that might tickle your interest.
Reply
:iconmagicaljoey:
MagicalJoey Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2013   Writer
The ending got to me (not that the rest didn't). Another great piece of work Muffin.
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2013
:tighthug:
Reply
:iconmagicaljoey:
MagicalJoey Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2013   Writer
It's ok. I think I am becoming resigned to my lot in life. I am never going to have what I want most. I am going to be that crazy old woman at the end of the road with a million animals, mainly cats.
Reply
:iconkyanitearcher:
KyaniteArcher Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Very honest and emotional... I think you could refer back to the first and last stanzas more throughout the poem, but really, this doesn't need much else, it's amazing already.
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2013
Thank you :]]
Reply
:iconglimmerz:
glimmerz Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2013
oh maaang, i love it! i turned the volume down of my favorite movie just to read your poetry. <3
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2013
! Well thank you!!!
Reply
:iconglimmerz:
glimmerz Featured By Owner May 8, 2014
it is my pleasure ^_^
Reply
Add a Comment:
 
×

:iconbloodshotink: More from BloodshotInk


Featured in Collections

Psalms And Sermons by DeaconStrucktor

Literature by themeepynerd


More from DeviantArt



Details

Submitted on
December 27, 2013
Submitted with
Sta.sh Writer
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
2,651
Favourites
203 (who?)
Comments
91
×