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Submitted on
December 27, 2013
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208 (who?)
It's Not Love (but it hurts like it)

He says things to her that I wish men said to me.

Things like - the image of your beauty
will press in on the eyelids of men
long after
your departure from this lifetime.

Things like - you make me feel like being myself
is not just acceptable but it is wonderful!
That I, being the only me I could ever possibly be,
is proof positive of a chaotic world
creating love and life and joy -
and that no one else but me
could make you smile the way you do.

Things like - I don't need you.

If you were gone I could breathe,
I could pump blood,
I could spit
and sneeze.
I could.
I could do anything I wanted to -
but I would not want to.
I wouldn't want to do anything
without you by my side.

Things like - I'm always here for you,
because I prioritise the things that matter to me
and you are at the top
- so if that means I can't pay my rent
because I had to come save you
from the fog in your heart - and I lost my job - fuck it.
I'll still come.
...But try not to make me lose my job
because that would kind of suck for us,
so smile would you? I love your smile.

Things like -
you're not on your own anymore,
and things are going to be alright for you.
You aren't going to hurt forever.
It's a logistical impossibility that someone
who gives out so much love
could have continued on in their life without meeting someone
who could give that volume of love back,
and I want to be that man.
I want to be your man -
the one who strives to match your footprint
on this life.

And although he is not that man,
sometimes I wish he wasn't saying those things to her.
It's a broken-bone reminder
that no one ever wants to say them to me
- and that (and not him)
my sparrowbird heart.
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Before I start criticizing anything, I need to warn you because English is not my first language, and I might make some mistakes. Sorry in advance for that! ><
So, let’s go!

This poem describes a reality that more often than not, we are not aware of. What I mean is that jealousy is not always because of love, and you depictured that perfectly, but because of the lack of it. Some people just want to feel loved by someone, anyone, really, and the ones who are in love just usually don’t see it.

I like how you switch from lyrical style to oral style throughout you poem. It really shows (in my opinion) that people in love don’t speak to their significant other the same way they speak to anyone else. They always have soft words for each other (and your poem is full of it), that others can be jealous of.

What I loved the most about your poem is your use of direct speech. It gave to the reader (and me by extension) the impression that he is speaking to us. That all these sweet words are meant for us. And it adds to the bitterness of her and the brutality of the end, because it (the end) reminds us that, no, they aren’t meant for us, and for a brief second, we can feel (if we haven’t before) like her.
Brilliant use of references to the beginning of the poem at the end, btw. Oh, and great ending. Really powerful, and convade perfectly your point.

The only negative critic I will do (but it is a very light one) is where you cut some of your verses.
For example, I would have separated “so smile would you?” from “I love your smile.” (I do think it is personal, but this critic is personal anyway…), and the two last verses, that I think would strike more of you add them one the same (and maybe use a different typography for “wrecks”).
Oh, and before I switch to another topic, beware of repetitions! I saw a few (with like and things) and it breaks the rythm. Which is really a pity, because your poem is lovely!

To conclude, I had a great time reading your poem, and even though jealousy and love are themes practically overused, you approach it with an original point of view and a refreshing style that I really liked! (Hope there wasn’t too much mistakes!)

- Lheonce
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
15 out of 15 deviants thought this was fair.

To me, literature isn't just "literature."
It is also visual art. Because, after all, we have to SEE the words with our EYES.
Your poem is one of the most aesthetically, visually beautiful poems I have seen, in, like, all time.
The structure you devised is complex, layered, and profound and it works well with the contemplative, sincere rhythm and tone.
I love it. Excellent job, it is very good.
The very fact that you're expressing your feelings shows two things: bravery and determination.
This poem will be on my mind for quite some time.
A+ for uniqueness and style.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
1 out of 1 deviants thought this was fair.

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luckynr1 Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2014
Very touching.
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2014
Thank you :love:
BeyondJen Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
This is lovely and painful in all the right ways. There's beauty in honesty as raw as this, and I think you displayed it perfectly. It's impossible not to feel this. :heart:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2014
Oh thank you :tighthug: Wow!
BeyondJen Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
My pleasure! :heart:
ShadowedAcolyte Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2014
There are some really good images/lines in here, but I think it could be stronger if it were shorter and it strung them together more neatly.
Flermigan Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2014
This is so heartbreakingly beautiful. Just raw and honest and everything that makes reading poetry worthwhile. I'm also pretty sure I love you now. So, nice job ;)

BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2014
Oh thank you so sosoososos so much! :love: That really brightened my day!
Flermigan Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2014
Aw :) Im glad :heart:
PrussianPersephone Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Fuck dude, I understand what you're saying perfectly. Well, I think I do.

Basically this is bitter and sweet at the same time and I know that feeling all too well.
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