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Submitted on
August 21, 2010
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My lips are still fresh
from our fevered kisses,
even after they slowed
to a steady flutter;
matching our erratic heartbeats.

My lips are still raw
with the urge to kiss again.
NOT NEW, EDITED. Draft 2
This was the original text:

My lips are still warm
from our feverish kisses,
even when they slowed
to a steady flutter;
matching our erratic heartbeats.

Still, I can't wait
to kiss you again.


What do you guys think about these changes?


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Kathryn O'Driscoll 2012

Revised copyright 2012, not original date of creation. All rights reserved. All the materials contained in my deviantART gallery may NOT be used, reproduced, copied, edited, published, transmitted, borrowed, duplicated, printed, downloaded, or uploaded in any way without my express written permission, however feel free to contact me should you desire to use my work - as I love to share.

----------------------------------


tbybh
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:iconsparia:
Sparia Featured By Owner May 9, 2013  Student General Artist
the edit one has more of flow than the original..
and the contrast of the first line, and first line of the couplet it great!
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner May 14, 2013
:D Yay thank you!
Reply
:iconsparia:
Sparia Featured By Owner May 14, 2013  Student General Artist
you are most welcome!
Reply
:iconzevais:
Zevais Featured By Owner May 7, 2013  Hobbyist
My fangs will become rotten
from our lucid fights,
even before they sped up
to a chaotic arrhythmia;
discord tearing apart our serene nerve impulses.

My fangs are left out to dry
with no urge to fight again.
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner May 14, 2013
:clap:
Reply
:iconlimarieinred:
limarieinred Featured By Owner May 6, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Great change!
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner May 14, 2013
Thanks!
Reply
:iconsanirimarrone:
SaniriMarrone Featured By Owner May 6, 2013
I like your edited version more-- I think the changes match the middle lines (the ones you didn't change) better. Especially the changes to the last two lines; they definitely fit with the rest now ("can't" was throwing me off in the first version since it was the only contracted word in the whole poem. Also, the switch from "My/our" to "you," but that bit less so.)
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner May 14, 2013
:D thanks :}
Reply
:icontuishimi:
Tuishimi Featured By Owner May 6, 2013
I like the newer version better. I think you could loose the word "still".
Reply
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