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My lips are still fresh
from our fevered kisses,
even after they slowed
to a steady flutter;
matching our erratic heartbeats.

My lips are still raw
with the urge to kiss again.
NOT NEW, EDITED. Draft 2
This was the original text:

My lips are still warm
from our feverish kisses,
even when they slowed
to a steady flutter;
matching our erratic heartbeats.

Still, I can't wait
to kiss you again.


What do you guys think about these changes?


----------------------------------

Kathryn O'Driscoll © 2012

Revised copyright 2012, not original date of creation. All rights reserved. All the materials contained in my deviantART gallery may NOT be used, reproduced, copied, edited, published, transmitted, borrowed, duplicated, printed, downloaded, or uploaded in any way without my express written permission, however feel free to contact me should you desire to use my work - as I love to share.

----------------------------------


tbybh
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:iconsparia:
Sparia Featured By Owner May 9, 2013  Student General Artist
the edit one has more of flow than the original..
and the contrast of the first line, and first line of the couplet it great!
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner May 14, 2013
:D Yay thank you!
Reply
:iconsparia:
Sparia Featured By Owner May 14, 2013  Student General Artist
you are most welcome!
Reply
:iconzevais:
Zevais Featured By Owner May 7, 2013  Hobbyist
My fangs will become rotten
from our lucid fights,
even before they sped up
to a chaotic arrhythmia;
discord tearing apart our serene nerve impulses.

My fangs are left out to dry
with no urge to fight again.
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner May 14, 2013
:clap:
Reply
:iconlimarieinred:
limarieinred Featured By Owner May 6, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Great change!
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner May 14, 2013
Thanks!
Reply
:iconsanirimarrone:
SaniriMarrone Featured By Owner May 6, 2013
I like your edited version more-- I think the changes match the middle lines (the ones you didn't change) better. Especially the changes to the last two lines; they definitely fit with the rest now ("can't" was throwing me off in the first version since it was the only contracted word in the whole poem. Also, the switch from "My/our" to "you," but that bit less so.)
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner May 14, 2013
:D thanks :}
Reply
:icontuishimi:
Tuishimi Featured By Owner May 6, 2013
I like the newer version better. I think you could loose the word "still".
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner May 14, 2013
Thanks, I'll think that over :D
Reply
:icontuishimi:
Tuishimi Featured By Owner May 14, 2013
;)
Reply
:iconwinterleave:
WinterLeave Featured By Owner May 6, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
This gives the poem more bittersweetness, it's deeper. very pretty!
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner May 14, 2013
aw, thank you Winter!
Reply
:iconwinterleave:
WinterLeave Featured By Owner May 14, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome!
Reply
:icondrippingwords:
DrippingWords Featured By Owner May 6, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I agree with ~ToaTepsak. The changes add more emotion, and they also help the poem to flow better.
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner May 14, 2013
Thanks! I agree :D
Reply
:icondrippingwords:
DrippingWords Featured By Owner May 14, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Yay! Lol.
Reply
:icontoatepsak:
ToaTepsak Featured By Owner May 6, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
Mm..I think maybe the changes put a little more raemotion into it...
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner May 14, 2013
:]
Reply
:iconnightshade-keyblade:
nightshade-keyblade Featured By Owner May 6, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
You found the words to match what I craved for a long time.
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner May 14, 2013
:)
Reply
:icondevoneaton:
DevonEaton Featured By Owner May 6, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
The original version seems mote focused upon WHO you are kissingwhile the new one puts a much stronger focus on the act of kissing itself. Whether the change is better or not really depends on your intended subject.
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner May 14, 2013
Nods, I don't remember the subject now so perhaps thats why I edited it!
Reply
:iconladylincoln:
LadyLincoln Featured By Owner May 5, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I think this newer version is much better. :heart:
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner May 14, 2013
me too :D
Reply
:iconnekonekogirl997:
NekoNekoGirl997 Featured By Owner May 5, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
This one flows better, I like it. If you were going to young and raw though, I'd stay with the elder copy to better fit the person.
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner May 14, 2013
:giggle: I don't remember who it was about now though!
Reply
:iconnekonekogirl997:
NekoNekoGirl997 Featured By Owner May 14, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Lol, good job there.
Reply
:iconreedymanedkelpie:
reedymanedkelpie Featured By Owner May 5, 2013  Professional General Artist
Really Nice! To me, the main difference is that with the second one, there's some ambivalence -- is it now the urge just to kiss, or to kiss the same person?
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner May 5, 2013
haha, well I wanted to make it more inclusive, like before it was I want to kiss you - and when you get older I feel like it changes to wanting us to kiss. So two people, not one. I dont know if that makes sense
Reply
:iconreedymanedkelpie:
reedymanedkelpie Featured By Owner May 7, 2013  Professional General Artist
Yes, I see what you mean. Nice! :)
Reply
:iconthisntme:
Thisntme Featured By Owner May 5, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Both versions are impacting, and great :)! [Cheesy neutral answer, sorry =P]

Buuuutttt..... I do like what you did with the update :meow:! Though I still think there should be a break between "matching our erratic heartbeats." and the following lines [such as what you did with version 1- kinda makes you pause a bit before reading the concluding lines]
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner May 5, 2013
Alright I edited it to be that way. :giggle: You win! :D
Reply
:iconthisntme:
Thisntme Featured By Owner May 5, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:iconsuperw00tplz: Looks great :D! *says that as his favorite song comes on Pandora :icondragonmusicplz:*
Reply
:iconkathrynbriggs:
KathrynBriggs Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2011  Professional Traditional Artist
Featured! :heart: [link]
Reply
:iconlulupaints:
lulupaints Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2010
beautifully written to make me feel like kissing! :)
Reply
:iconguagna:
guagna Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2010  Student Writer
this made me smile. i can definitely connect with it.
Reply
:iconrosary0fsighs:
Rosary0fSighs Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2010
beautiful :heart:
Reply
:iconmrphy:
MrPhy Featured By Owner Aug 22, 2010  Professional Filmographer
made me smile at the end. a warm feeling
Reply
:iconsubtleinspiration:
SubtleInspiration Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2010
A lovely little piece. :) Brings back memories.
Reply
:iconbahama-dreams:
Bahama-dreams Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2010
*Smiles* I like these kind.
Reply
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