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People have so many questions that they keep on asking me
and I dont have the time to answer them adequately
People ask what's it like to have a disabled sister?
and I say, ah, pause, um, excuse me mister
actually I'm disabled too, I've got a few screw looses
screw everyone who hears disabled and thinks chair
who thinks broken bones and hospital care.
Screw everyone who heard disabled with a capital D
thinking it meant unable to do anything properly.
Disabled and unable they just mean one thing
That theres one thing you cant do and many you still can
and all the things my sister did its easy to forget
'cos she didn't walk, didn't talk, didn't know how yet.
Didn't get the chance to learn before she died,
maybe it took her a little longer but heaven knows she tried
and on good days in the summer if you taught her bit by bit
she'd grace us with a smile and say my name - Kit.

But if your asking the difference between mind and body, how
how her body didn't work and my brain still doesn't now
how did it feel to have her wilt before my eyes
while I stay here and struggle with a life that I despise...
I can't breathe, and she's on an incubator
I try not to see it but I can't help but hate her
'cos while I'm dying and gasping for breath
she gets all the love and the care and the death
and people like to say 'well at least you get to live'
but that was never her gift to me to give
and I never even wanted to live this life without her
I just wanna smell her hair and her talcum powder.
I jut wanna see the sun lit her hair a halo again
I just want to hold her, say 'I love you' and then
I just want to die, so ny last breaths of her
but that doesn't give her more life, it doesn't transfer
if there was a way then I would, and I could, but I can't
and you might hear words from some dumb sycophant
but I know the truth and the truth here is this
if my death meant she lived, I just wouldn't exist

This is a performance poetry piece, to see me perform it please click here!

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Dear BloodshotInk,
It is a pleasure to be critiquing you. So many times I've tried to just critique someone in the comment sections unsolicited and it went wrong or someone had a 'critique-a-ble' piece that I had simply had nothing to say about. So thanks ;)

Overall I liked the piece. You came in strong with the rhyming with a nice cadence and your position renders originality putty in your fingertips. I also enjoyed some of the imagery to the point where I can get where you're coming from. At this point though, you're probably asking 'Why'd he give me low ratings on technique?' Well, like I said it began well, but as writers we tend to do one of two things with our writing. We either progressively get better through our pieces making the first half seem odd or we begin to crumble when we near the end. I am guilty of both and in this case the piece was the ladder of the two.

Your rhyming began to bite you in the second paragraph/stanza, having you use the same words too many times in one place and often times there was too much sacrificed for the rhyme to go on and then in the wrong places the rhyme would be rebuked where it wasn't necessary to rebuked. This effectually lessened the impact for me.

To recap, the piece was a fun read that had so much commotion; it seemed it was a locomotive building speed and building up speed until eventually it ended up derailing and killing half of the passengers. I am sincerely sorry if what I say offends. I only mean it in good faith.
God Bless,
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
3 out of 3 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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bunocerous Featured By Owner May 16, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I can't even critique this because I can only find things I love in this. The emotion, the story, the flow, the choice of words, everything. Absolutely everything.
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jun 15, 2014
:tighthug: Yay, thank you so much!! 
notCindyChen Featured By Owner May 14, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
very heartfelt and beautiful... and the rhyme was lovely. ^^ amazing job. :heart:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jun 15, 2014
:tighthug: yay! thank you
DragonsChest Featured By Owner May 11, 2014  Professional Writer
I did see you perform it and am just blown away by your wonderful prose.  WELL DONE... 
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jun 15, 2014
:love: oh thank you!!!
DragonsChest Featured By Owner Jun 15, 2014  Professional Writer
You-are-Welcome by KmyGraphic
A heartbreaking story... :hug:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jun 15, 2014
:tighthug: Thank you
No problem :)
roses21 Featured By Owner May 11, 2014  Student Photographer
this is very good and touching to me in many ways =) and u did an amazing job as well
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner May 11, 2014
Oh thank you :love:
Gracleface Featured By Owner May 11, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I was really touched by this. . .
I have a brother who is severely autistic and is non-verbal. I've had a very heart breaking experience,
but I still let others see me smile.

:heart: Stay strong! :heart:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner May 11, 2014
:tighthug: I'm sorry honey
Eventua Featured By Owner May 11, 2014  Student Writer
Very poignant, very sad.
How many people suffer in ways like this? How many hundreds, how many thousands? Perhaps even millions...

Thank you for writing this.
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner May 11, 2014
:tighthug: :tears: Thank you
Deaths-Lament Featured By Owner May 11, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Again i truly love this for its flow and rhyme (and I usually hate rhyme, but this is quite eloquent).

Very raw, very emotional and I'm sorry for your loss but the world is more beautiful with you here and your poetry and stories and awesomeness :) :heart: Stay strong :heart:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner May 11, 2014
I'm a rhyme hatah too. :giggle: Thank you so much :tighthug:
Deaths-Lament Featured By Owner May 12, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
You're just so awesome you make rhyme awesome ^-^ No problem hun :huggle: keep making awesome things! :heart: 
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Submitted on
May 11, 2014


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