Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login
Hear me read it


I am a mutant.
                   | My skin does not sallow in the sun
                     and I do not blush jaundice through my cheeks.
                   | I do not have extra fingers, or toes -
                     although my spine;
                                                 it boasts an ironic vertebrae,
                                                 it is a long tally of the hearts I have broken
                                                 and when I straighten my spine the bones Pop out of place.
                                                                                                            I am out of place.
                   | I do not have a super power,
                     I lack exceptionality in all but my ordinariness.
                   | there is a vengeful bacteria feasting -
                     on my shoulder places;
                                                      between the weight of the world,
                                                      the rock and the hard place
                                                      a monster chews the fat and fetrid flesh, it laughs at me.
                                                                                                             they laugh at me.

                   | Deep in the equilibrium of my thoughts,
                     hides a parasitic truth, grinding its teeth on mine;
                   | it tugs at the tendons behind my eyeballs -
                     the puppeteer, it controls me.
                                                               It deceives and divides me
                                                               and floods my eyes and mind with doubt.
                                                               I am blinded by it, and my cloudy eyes see normality.
                                                                                                                   I seek normality.

I am a mutant.
Edit: 11/2/13: Sorted out the punctuation on this before I submitted it someplace so just put those edits into place here. No content edits.

Well. I hope this poem came out as intended. I wanted to make it dark and unpleasant.... I think I was too soft in the writing of it because it is more a misery poem than an anger poem and misery is so a(pathetic).


This poem is about me. My mutation. My disability. It's not physical. It's not an actual bacteria / parasite / mass / monster. It's a warping in my personality, in my mind and thoughts.

Strictly speaking I have mixed personality disorders (not the same as multiple personality disorders). Basically, I don't think the way that 'normal' people do.. and its really easy to forget. Especially when you are happy.

You ever say to someone "I can't stop worrying about it" or "I can't stop checking facebook to see if my ex has said something bad about me"... well imagine that you really CAN'T. You CAN'T stop worrying. It's an actual impossibility. Your brain doesn't know how to not think about things, or worry, or be overly analytical and anxious.... and right now you might be thinking 'that totally sounds like me'... that's because there isn't enough words to show the difference between how our brains work, not because my 'issues' are common.

Then, one day, someone behaves in a way that I can't comprehend. Someone will be mean to me unexpectedly. Someone will give up on me, or not be able to fight for me... and I know that (because of my issues) I would fight for them until it killed me because I love them... so if they don't, they must not love me. and despite knowing that I only believe that because my issues mean that *I* give too much not that they aren't giving enough... I still feel... broken, and unlovable, and disgusting and mutated...

and everytime it happens its like a kick in the throat and I suddenly remember that I am not normal. and I don't get to be loved and be happy, because I give an unhealth amount of love that no one will ever be able to match, because the amount of love I give is literally a mental illness. No one will ever love me as much as I love them, no one will ever fight for me as much as I fight for them. No one will ever care for me or go the extra mile for me. No one will ever suprise me. and if someone did I would know it was because they were sick and I would try to fix them and everytime they did something nice for me Id feel terrible.

So logic suggests, I am unlovable. and like I said in 'Black'.. who could ever love a beast.

or a mutant.


Random true fact: I have an extra vertebrae. I called it ironic because people say 'get some backbone'. I have an extra bone but don't feel like it.

New word: fetrid. Mix of fetid and putrid.



I am happy to answer questions about anything but please be respectful and understand that theres a difference between behaviours and thoughts and disorders.


The layout is purposeful. Don't like it? Sorry but this is my soul on display.
Add a Comment:
 
:iconhaphazardmelody:
haphazardmelody Featured By Owner Sep 20, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I can't pretend to know how this feels, although I have my own mental health issues, so I do understand what it is to act a certain way that can seem ridiculous to everyone else but completely makes sense and is in fact the only way to be within the confines of your own sense of self. (I've tried rewriting that sentence a lot and I can't make it less complicated, so I hope that it makes sense...lol.) You, as always, are one of the bravest people I know. :heart:

I also wanted to point out a couple of the things I really liked. First of all, your new words are always awesome. (You've inspired me to do that a little in my own poetry from time to time if I really need a word and it just doesn't exist, did I ever tell you that? You can see it here and there in my gallery.) And I really, really liked "shoulder places" because it's just such an interesting way to phrase that; it caught my attention right away.

:+favlove:
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2013
:D Thank you so much! I love your comments, they always make me so happy :love: and I did understand what you meant.
Reply
:iconeat-toast:
EAT-TOAST Featured By Owner Sep 20, 2013  Student Writer

As long as you continue to write, to think, and to feel emotions like I won't be able to "give up" on you.  No matter how "horrible" a person is or what they have done, perhaps if we look it from their view it just might be the right thing.  Not to say every idea in the world is correct, but there are special cases like yours that just can't be wrong.  For all eternity you will be connected as a writer and friend, not because your so "mutated" but because of the shared intrests we have and the writing and feelings we share with others.  It's shown by the comments below mine that other people also love your work, and therefore they are loving you at the same time.

 

If only we had been so lucky to learn that lesson before. 

 

 

Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2013
:tighthug: :tears: Thank you so so much. :tears:
Reply
:iconeat-toast:
EAT-TOAST Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2013  Student Writer
5 seconds hug 
Reply
:iconoseltamivir:
Oseltamivir Featured By Owner Sep 19, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I'm sorry that you've felt this way.  I won't pretend to understand your feelings, but, to an extent, I can relate.  I also worry about things and have no idea how to stop worrying about them (I have superstitious obsessive compulsive disorder).  Worry is consuming and awful, and when there is no way to prove to your mind there's no need for worry, it just eats at you forever.

I don't think you were ever unlovable; I can't think of anyone who is unlovable, regardless of their situation.  I know some people are difficult to love, but it just takes someone with more patience and understanding to love them, and they end up with a more special kind of love.  

I hope you're feeling differently, and better in the months that have passed since you submitted this.  Despite the pain you've felt, you have shared with us a beautiful piece of writing.  But that does not surprise me; all your work is amazing, and what you write inspires and helps many people.  

Best wishes~
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2013
:tighthug:

Thank you so much.. I have good and bad times, right now is both. We will see how it all turns out.

I love your comments, thank you so much for giving me them <33
Reply
:iconoseltamivir:
Oseltamivir Featured By Owner Oct 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks for taking the time to reply- I'm sure you have hundreds of comments to sort through every day!
I'll keep my fingers crossed for good times to come for you =)
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Oct 3, 2013
:tighthug: Thank you... and of course I reply - you take the time to comment for me <33 and they brighten my day!
Reply
:iconcskadoz:
cskadoz Featured By Owner Sep 19, 2013   General Artist
:clap: well writ downer. wha--? can't stop worrying?
kat, isn't that normal? all the ladies in my life: moms, sisters, aunties, cousines, grammas, nieces, and girlfriends, can't stop worrying about the darnedest things.
eeeww, an extra vertebrae! can i poke it? dear, i think that happens quite often. :hug:
". . . the amount of love i give is literally a mental illnes." hmmm. can i borrow that? :icongrin--plz:
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2013
:giggle: Sure you can.

and worry is normal, but it depends what you are worrying about. 
Reply
:iconcskadoz:
cskadoz Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2013   General Artist
i was late to a family gather . . . gramma called highway patrol to see if i was in a crash; mom worried my brother was gay because he didn't go out in highschool -- dude got nervous around girls; gf thought i was cheating when i tried to plan a surprise party; another gf hated a second dimple when she smiled; the list is endless.
Reply
:iconkreedantillesordo:
kreedantillesordo Featured By Owner Sep 18, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I love this Kath, it really speaks to me...
By the way, have you read my new piece called "Strength"?
It sort of goes along the same lines as "Mutant"...
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2013
I haven't yet!
Reply
:iconkreedantillesordo:
kreedantillesordo Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
No prob...:D
Reply
:iconrainbow-slash-pegasi:
Rainbow-Slash-Pegasi Featured By Owner Sep 18, 2013
Wow... Very well written...
Reply
:iconthelastwhiterose85:
TheLastWhiteRose85 Featured By Owner Sep 18, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Very right on, it reminds me of everyday so-called "Normal" life XD
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2013
:tighthug: Thank you so much
Reply
:iconthelastwhiterose85:
TheLastWhiteRose85 Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
You're very welcome
Reply
:iconghostoftheemptygrave:
"Mutant", you say? It doesn't matter. You're still one of the most wonderful people I know. And any person should feel honored to have you as a friend/lover because of all the things you'd do for that person. And they would do the same for you, if they're good people as well. So you're not "broken, and unlovable, and disgusting and mutated". You're just yourself and you should be proud of it.
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2013
Thank you so much :tighthug:
Reply
:iconghostoftheemptygrave:
You're welcome :) Just helping out a friend.
Reply
:iconbunocerous:
bunocerous Featured By Owner Sep 18, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I like the poem, and I found your description of your disorder very sad, but also enlightening. If you don't mind, could I know the medical term? I am a human services major, working towards psychology, and I am interested in a purely curiosity aspect. And I am very sorry that you go through such a struggle.
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2013
:tighthug: I have several :giggle:

~ social anxiety disorder 
~ mood dysthymia
~ major depressive episodes
~ mixed personality disorders
Reply
:iconbunocerous:
bunocerous Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
thank you. two of those i haven't heard of before, and i found the mixed personality disorder one interesting.
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2013
I don't find that diagnosis very helpful because it is so vague. It could be a mixture of any of the elements of the set disorders.
Reply
:iconbunocerous:
bunocerous Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
yeah i feel like, and yes i shouldn't say this, it's a lazy diagnosis.
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2013
:giggle:
Reply
:icondonutmonk:
donutmonk Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2013  Hobbyist
The layout is still so creative and thoughtful. >.<
Reply
:iconkoppo:
Koppo Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2013
very well put, and truthful. i personally could connect with this on some levels.to love a beast is to face what we fear about ourselves put on display for all to see. laugh and poke and prod. embarrassing or just painfully true. love yourself kate, no matter who else choose to do the same. i don't know how the disorder works or is treated. but i hope you push through. you're a strong woman. as for the poem, i like it. far from fetrid <3
Reply
:iconzevais:
Zevais Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2013  Hobbyist
I was trying to find my twisted reflection in the comments, and I realized I sent you a note reguarding this one instead of reflecting it. I getting somewhat tempted to record myself reading the reflection since you recorded yourself reading this one... I guess I'll have to hold onto that idea for a short while longer.
Reply
:iconithaswhatitisnt:
ithaswhatitisnt Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I am like that too...I cannot stop worrying about things, even though I want to, and I always give and give and give, even though no one cares to do the same for me. I always run myself into the ground for people, and they never care. I know exactly how you feel.

:tighthug: I would fight for you.

I am a mutant also. I know your feelings. :huggle:
Reply
:iconnekonekogirl997:
NekoNekoGirl997 Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
This I'd enticing and sad, but just horrible enough to leave me gasping.
Reply
:iconfantasylover103:
fantasylover103 Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Wow....that's beautiful......but in a sad, melancholy way.

Think of yourself as unique, not mutated. You're amazing, just remember that.
Reply
:iconladylincoln:
LadyLincoln Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Never alone, honey. And even if you believe yourself to be a 'mutant' of sorts - you are one of the most beautiful people I am blessed to know, inside and out.

With love,
:heart:
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2013
:tighthug: It's good to have you back :tighthug: You are a guiding light
Reply
:iconladylincoln:
LadyLincoln Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:heart:
Reply
:iconcamelopardalisinblue:
camelopardalisinblue Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I just wanted to let you know I can relate... and to applaud your calm and well thought out response to some of the less sensitively phrased comments you've received!
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2013
:tighthug: Thank you so much. I know people mean well.
Reply
:iconladymortimus:
LadyMortimus Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013  Student General Artist
Left me breathless.
Wonderful work.
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2013
:tighthug: Thank you so much
Reply
:iconcskadoz:
cskadoz Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2013   General Artist
i read it in a flat toneless voice . . . way fun! :highfive: love the structure rhythm & mood.
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2013
Awesome, thank you. Your avatar reminds me of my childhood :]
Reply
:iconangelichope:
angelichope Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2013
I think it doesn't matter if you love someone way more; if they still love you too―even if yours surpasses theirs―that should be okay; for someone to have for you in the first place is something to be appreciated; you should stop caring that they don't may not show express their love as much you do, and just appreciate the fact they still love you; that's a blessing really; so many people in this world aren't so fortunate to say they're surrounded by love. You just need to relax and enjoy everyone you share your life with; to give and receive love to one another is one of the best things in life!!! I think in love, it barely matters who loves someone more, as long you all love with all your heart!
Reply
:icontalia-wolffang:
Talia-WolfFang Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2013
Morbidly fitting. (wait, does that make sense? Bleh, whatever.)

These are the kinds of pieces that I just don't know what to say to. They are so full of emotion that it just renders me speechless. The format is great for this piece, it gives another depth to the writing.

When I figure out what to say, I'll comment on this again. Yeah.
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2013
Whenever I really like something, I never know how to say it. I get tongue tied and frustrated that there isnt enough language in the world to convey my precise level of awe. So sometimes I just say 'well you made the writer speechless' and from that people just know how enthralled I am.

It takes a lot to make people speechless, so your comment still tells me an awful lot and makes me really grateful. So thank you.
Reply
:icontalia-wolffang:
Talia-WolfFang Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2013
:iconhugplz: I still don't know what to say to this, only that it's done amazingly. I guess I'm one of the lucky ones, haven't really had anything bad happen to me. I feel so sheltered.

But this really gives me a window, almost, into how you feel about the world, and how others like you feel. While I can't say that I understand you completely, because no, I haven't personally experienced anything like this, I can emphasize a little better. Writers like you really help remove stigmas and help a community understand better and that might just save someone. It's very brave of you to put your soul out for us to see and PLEASE DON'T EVER STOP.:iconloveloveplz:
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2013
:tighthug: your comment is so sweet. I dont know what to say. Thank you so much. :']
Reply
:iconmeredyxd:
MeredyxD Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2013  Hobbyist
before i read your description i had a total different idea about your poem :) I loved it but i found a whole other meaning for it.. and then i read your description and reread it and... wow.

well honey your writing is incredible! i don't think you need to hear that from me since you must already know it, but i still felt like saying it:)

i'm not going to say i understand how you feel, because i don't. i can only try to relate but i'll never know it as you know and live it, of course. i'm sending all my hugs to you though! :aww:

and hey. i wish i'd met you in real life a few years ago :) i would've loved you so much :heart: you're saying that that no one can love you as much as you love them; but with me that would've been a challenge for you, to love me more than i love you! ;)
Unfortunately over the past few years i have given up so much of myself for the love of others i slowly taught myself to hate everyone, hate my friends. So at their first mistake, their first action that upset me, i leave them. :( I think it's better to still be able to give your all for someone and love someone though :)
I wish we had met.. You would've been like an older sister to me and we could've just discussed books and just made art together:) I would still love to meet you and be friends with you of course; but i'm afraid i would only be hurting you and/or leaving you :(:(

You deserve a true friend love! Someone to appreciate and love you with all their heart. And someone who would try to understand you, even if they can't really :heart:

(woah. long comment. :P)
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2013
I found it hard to do anything including reply to comments this past week, its been a dark one, so I hope you forgive my late reply. I did read your comment when you made it and it really made me smile. So thank you.

Thank you for the compliments about my writing for a start, that's always amazing to hear.. but also thank you for your compassion and your support.

I know what its like to be hurt over and over until you just think its better not to try. I hope you find some people who are worth trying for who give back as much as they can give you. Because you seem awesome.

You can talk to me anytime, I might be slow to respond or be awkward or something but I'm here if you want me.

:tighthug:
Reply
Add a Comment:
 
×

:iconbloodshotink: More from BloodshotInk


Featured in Collections

Stories, Poetry by 6-9Changeling

Psalms And Sermons by DeaconStrucktor

Writings by Aurasio


More from DeviantArt



Details

Submitted on
January 17, 2013
File Size
2.3 KB
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
1,912
Favourites
147 (who?)
Comments
127
×