I am a mutant.
| My skin does not sallow in the sun
and I do not blush jaundice through my cheeks.
| I do not have extra fingers, or toes -
although my spine;
it boasts an ironic vertebrae,
it is a long tally of the hearts I have broken
and when I straighten my spine the bones Pop out of place.
I am out of place.
| I do not have a super power,
I lack exceptionality in all but my ordinariness.
| there is a vengeful bacteria feasting -
on my shoulder places;
between the weight of the world,
the rock and the hard place
a monster chews the fat and fetrid flesh, it laughs at me.
they laugh at me.
| Deep in the equilibrium of my thoughts,
hides a parasitic truth, grinding its teeth on mine;
| it tugs at the tendons behind my eyeballs -
the puppeteer, it controls me.
It deceives and divides me
and floods my eyes and mind with doubt.
I am blinded by it, and my cloudy eyes see normality.
I seek normality.
I am a mutant.
Well. I hope this poem came out as intended. I wanted to make it dark and unpleasant.... I think I was too soft in the writing of it because it is more a misery poem than an anger poem and misery is so a(pathetic).
This poem is about me. My mutation. My disability. It's not physical. It's not an actual bacteria / parasite / mass / monster. It's a warping in my personality, in my mind and thoughts.
Strictly speaking I have mixed personality disorders (not the same as multiple personality disorders). Basically, I don't think the way that 'normal' people do.. and its really easy to forget. Especially when you are happy.
You ever say to someone "I can't stop worrying about it" or "I can't stop checking facebook to see if my ex has said something bad about me"... well imagine that you really CAN'T. You CAN'T stop worrying. It's an actual impossibility. Your brain doesn't know how to not think about things, or worry, or be overly analytical and anxious.... and right now you might be thinking 'that totally sounds like me'... that's because there isn't enough words to show the difference between how our brains work, not because my 'issues' are common.
Then, one day, someone behaves in a way that I can't comprehend. Someone will be mean to me unexpectedly. Someone will give up on me, or not be able to fight for me... and I know that (because of my issues) I would fight for them until it killed me because I love them... so if they don't, they must not love me. and despite knowing that I only believe that because my issues mean that *I* give too much not that they aren't giving enough... I still feel... broken, and unlovable, and disgusting and mutated...
and everytime it happens its like a kick in the throat and I suddenly remember that I am not normal. and I don't get to be loved and be happy, because I give an unhealth amount of love that no one will ever be able to match, because the amount of love I give is literally a mental illness. No one will ever love me as much as I love them, no one will ever fight for me as much as I fight for them. No one will ever care for me or go the extra mile for me. No one will ever suprise me. and if someone did I would know it was because they were sick and I would try to fix them and everytime they did something nice for me Id feel terrible.
So logic suggests, I am unlovable. and like I said in 'Black'.. who could ever love a beast.
or a mutant.
Random true fact: I have an extra vertebrae. I called it ironic because people say 'get some backbone'. I have an extra bone but don't feel like it.
New word: fetrid. Mix of fetid and putrid.
I am happy to answer questions about anything but please be respectful and understand that theres a difference between behaviours and thoughts and disorders.
The layout is purposeful. Don't like it? Sorry but this is my soul on display.
As long as you continue to write, to think, and to feel emotions like I won't be able to "give up" on you. No matter how "horrible" a person is or what they have done, perhaps if we look it from their view it just might be the right thing. Not to say every idea in the world is correct, but there are special cases like yours that just can't be wrong. For all eternity you will be connected as a writer and friend, not because your so "mutated" but because of the shared intrests we have and the writing and feelings we share with others. It's shown by the comments below mine that other people also love your work, and therefore they are loving you at the same time.
If only we had been so lucky to learn that lesson before.
kat, isn't that normal? all the ladies in my life: moms, sisters, aunties, cousines, grammas, nieces, and girlfriends, can't stop worrying about the darnedest things.
eeeww, an extra vertebrae! can i poke it? dear, i think that happens quite often.
". . . the amount of love i give is literally a mental illnes." hmmm. can i borrow that?
By the way, have you read my new piece called "Strength"?
It sort of goes along the same lines as "Mutant"...
I would fight for you.
I am a mutant also. I know your feelings.
Think of yourself as unique, not mutated. You're amazing, just remember that.
These are the kinds of pieces that I just don't know what to say to. They are so full of emotion that it just renders me speechless. The format is great for this piece, it gives another depth to the writing.
When I figure out what to say, I'll comment on this again. Yeah.
It takes a lot to make people speechless, so your comment still tells me an awful lot and makes me really grateful. So thank you.
But this really gives me a window, almost, into how you feel about the world, and how others like you feel. While I can't say that I understand you completely, because no, I haven't personally experienced anything like this, I can emphasize a little better. Writers like you really help remove stigmas and help a community understand better and that might just save someone. It's very brave of you to put your soul out for us to see and PLEASE DON'T EVER STOP.
well honey your writing is incredible! i don't think you need to hear that from me since you must already know it, but i still felt like saying it
i'm not going to say i understand how you feel, because i don't. i can only try to relate but i'll never know it as you know and live it, of course. i'm sending all my hugs to you though!
and hey. i wish i'd met you in real life a few years ago i would've loved you so much you're saying that that no one can love you as much as you love them; but with me that would've been a challenge for you, to love me more than i love you!
Unfortunately over the past few years i have given up so much of myself for the love of others i slowly taught myself to hate everyone, hate my friends. So at their first mistake, their first action that upset me, i leave them. I think it's better to still be able to give your all for someone and love someone though
I wish we had met.. You would've been like an older sister to me and we could've just discussed books and just made art together I would still love to meet you and be friends with you of course; but i'm afraid i would only be hurting you and/or leaving you
You deserve a true friend love! Someone to appreciate and love you with all their heart. And someone who would try to understand you, even if they can't really
(woah. long comment. )
Thank you for the compliments about my writing for a start, that's always amazing to hear.. but also thank you for your compassion and your support.
I know what its like to be hurt over and over until you just think its better not to try. I hope you find some people who are worth trying for who give back as much as they can give you. Because you seem awesome.
You can talk to me anytime, I might be slow to respond or be awkward or something but I'm here if you want me.