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January 17, 2013
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Hear me read it


I am a mutant.
                   | My skin does not sallow in the sun
                     and I do not blush jaundice through my cheeks.
                   | I do not have extra fingers, or toes -
                     although my spine;
                                                 it boasts an ironic vertebrae,
                                                 it is a long tally of the hearts I have broken
                                                 and when I straighten my spine the bones Pop out of place.
                                                                                                            I am out of place.
                   | I do not have a super power,
                     I lack exceptionality in all but my ordinariness.
                   | there is a vengeful bacteria feasting -
                     on my shoulder places;
                                                      between the weight of the world,
                                                      the rock and the hard place
                                                      a monster chews the fat and fetrid flesh, it laughs at me.
                                                                                                             they laugh at me.

                   | Deep in the equilibrium of my thoughts,
                     hides a parasitic truth, grinding its teeth on mine;
                   | it tugs at the tendons behind my eyeballs -
                     the puppeteer, it controls me.
                                                               It deceives and divides me
                                                               and floods my eyes and mind with doubt.
                                                               I am blinded by it, and my cloudy eyes see normality.
                                                                                                                   I seek normality.

I am a mutant.
Edit: 11/2/13: Sorted out the punctuation on this before I submitted it someplace so just put those edits into place here. No content edits.

Well. I hope this poem came out as intended. I wanted to make it dark and unpleasant.... I think I was too soft in the writing of it because it is more a misery poem than an anger poem and misery is so a(pathetic).


This poem is about me. My mutation. My disability. It's not physical. It's not an actual bacteria / parasite / mass / monster. It's a warping in my personality, in my mind and thoughts.

Strictly speaking I have mixed personality disorders (not the same as multiple personality disorders). Basically, I don't think the way that 'normal' people do.. and its really easy to forget. Especially when you are happy.

You ever say to someone "I can't stop worrying about it" or "I can't stop checking facebook to see if my ex has said something bad about me"... well imagine that you really CAN'T. You CAN'T stop worrying. It's an actual impossibility. Your brain doesn't know how to not think about things, or worry, or be overly analytical and anxious.... and right now you might be thinking 'that totally sounds like me'... that's because there isn't enough words to show the difference between how our brains work, not because my 'issues' are common.

Then, one day, someone behaves in a way that I can't comprehend. Someone will be mean to me unexpectedly. Someone will give up on me, or not be able to fight for me... and I know that (because of my issues) I would fight for them until it killed me because I love them... so if they don't, they must not love me. and despite knowing that I only believe that because my issues mean that *I* give too much not that they aren't giving enough... I still feel... broken, and unlovable, and disgusting and mutated...

and everytime it happens its like a kick in the throat and I suddenly remember that I am not normal. and I don't get to be loved and be happy, because I give an unhealth amount of love that no one will ever be able to match, because the amount of love I give is literally a mental illness. No one will ever love me as much as I love them, no one will ever fight for me as much as I fight for them. No one will ever care for me or go the extra mile for me. No one will ever suprise me. and if someone did I would know it was because they were sick and I would try to fix them and everytime they did something nice for me Id feel terrible.

So logic suggests, I am unlovable. and like I said in 'Black'.. who could ever love a beast.

or a mutant.


Random true fact: I have an extra vertebrae. I called it ironic because people say 'get some backbone'. I have an extra bone but don't feel like it.

New word: fetrid. Mix of fetid and putrid.



I am happy to answer questions about anything but please be respectful and understand that theres a difference between behaviours and thoughts and disorders.


The layout is purposeful. Don't like it? Sorry but this is my soul on display.
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:iconhaphazardmelody:
haphazardmelody Featured By Owner Sep 20, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I can't pretend to know how this feels, although I have my own mental health issues, so I do understand what it is to act a certain way that can seem ridiculous to everyone else but completely makes sense and is in fact the only way to be within the confines of your own sense of self. (I've tried rewriting that sentence a lot and I can't make it less complicated, so I hope that it makes sense...lol.) You, as always, are one of the bravest people I know. :heart:

I also wanted to point out a couple of the things I really liked. First of all, your new words are always awesome. (You've inspired me to do that a little in my own poetry from time to time if I really need a word and it just doesn't exist, did I ever tell you that? You can see it here and there in my gallery.) And I really, really liked "shoulder places" because it's just such an interesting way to phrase that; it caught my attention right away.

:+favlove:
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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2013
:D Thank you so much! I love your comments, they always make me so happy :love: and I did understand what you meant.
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:iconeat-toast:
EAT-TOAST Featured By Owner Sep 20, 2013  Student Writer

As long as you continue to write, to think, and to feel emotions like I won't be able to "give up" on you.  No matter how "horrible" a person is or what they have done, perhaps if we look it from their view it just might be the right thing.  Not to say every idea in the world is correct, but there are special cases like yours that just can't be wrong.  For all eternity you will be connected as a writer and friend, not because your so "mutated" but because of the shared intrests we have and the writing and feelings we share with others.  It's shown by the comments below mine that other people also love your work, and therefore they are loving you at the same time.

 

If only we had been so lucky to learn that lesson before. 

 

 

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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2013
:tighthug: :tears: Thank you so so much. :tears:
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:iconeat-toast:
EAT-TOAST Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2013  Student Writer
5 seconds hug 
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:iconoseltamivir:
Oseltamivir Featured By Owner Sep 19, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I'm sorry that you've felt this way.  I won't pretend to understand your feelings, but, to an extent, I can relate.  I also worry about things and have no idea how to stop worrying about them (I have superstitious obsessive compulsive disorder).  Worry is consuming and awful, and when there is no way to prove to your mind there's no need for worry, it just eats at you forever.

I don't think you were ever unlovable; I can't think of anyone who is unlovable, regardless of their situation.  I know some people are difficult to love, but it just takes someone with more patience and understanding to love them, and they end up with a more special kind of love.  

I hope you're feeling differently, and better in the months that have passed since you submitted this.  Despite the pain you've felt, you have shared with us a beautiful piece of writing.  But that does not surprise me; all your work is amazing, and what you write inspires and helps many people.  

Best wishes~
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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2013
:tighthug:

Thank you so much.. I have good and bad times, right now is both. We will see how it all turns out.

I love your comments, thank you so much for giving me them <33
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:iconoseltamivir:
Oseltamivir Featured By Owner Oct 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks for taking the time to reply- I'm sure you have hundreds of comments to sort through every day!
I'll keep my fingers crossed for good times to come for you =)
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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Oct 3, 2013
:tighthug: Thank you... and of course I reply - you take the time to comment for me <33 and they brighten my day!
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:iconcskadoz:
cskadoz Featured By Owner Sep 19, 2013   General Artist
:clap: well writ downer. wha--? can't stop worrying?
kat, isn't that normal? all the ladies in my life: moms, sisters, aunties, cousines, grammas, nieces, and girlfriends, can't stop worrying about the darnedest things.
eeeww, an extra vertebrae! can i poke it? dear, i think that happens quite often. :hug:
". . . the amount of love i give is literally a mental illnes." hmmm. can i borrow that? :icongrin--plz:
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