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Submitted on
August 16, 2013
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Sat at five am eating a cheese burger with a knife and fork - my mum walks in. She doesn't question it but nonetheless it's suddenly impossible to swallow as my throat fills with shame and contracts with the strength of my self loathing. What are you doing? I am not sure, I was anxious so I couldn't sleep and suddenly the idea popped into my head and then it was all I could think about until eventually I figured I wouldn't get to sleep unless I got it over with.

Sometimes, often, I cry when I eat. As I put larded handfuls to my lips I hear someone in my head screaming; what are you doing?

I feel nauseous now. Not intentionally, although I am certain that my binge eating is both emotional and disorderly, but as a pool of disgust wriggles in my flabby stomach.

I try to be honest, in fact I am known for it, but every once in a while I write something so true that the thought of releasing an inventory of my flaws into a starscape of eager critics makes me sick to my eyeballs, so I close them and try to be brave. Hoping that this won't be the time when everyone says - "no, that's just you". Hoping that someone else might feel how I feel, and that I won't need to feel afraid anymore. Ashamed anymore. Maybe they won't need to feel ashamed either.

I write about it, knowing that I am telling the world one of my deepest - bottom of a lightless cave - secrets and that now the whole world will see all the reasons why I hate me, so the world will hate me. But despite that, and the maggots already festering in my dying rubber organs, I finish the burger. I cry.
I wrote this last night and posted it to my scraps with comments disabled because it is so personal and raw, and I was afraid. Even for me this is a whole new level of exposed that I've only ever touched upon before in In The Bath, but I got a few notes of support and people telling me to risk opening myself up because it might help someone else... who am I to deny that...

I don't want critique on this, I know its not my best work in a language way, but its a new level of honesty that is difficult for me, which means, I think, that I'm doing something right.

If you faved the scrapped version I apologise, but thank you :tighthug:
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:iconfluffy333:
fluffy333 Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
This is so raw and honest, it's beautiful. It is hard to open up once you've got used to closing yourself off. I hope sharing this helped you feel a likttle better at least.:hug:
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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2013
:tears: It hurts to think about this. I am just pretending I didnt put it up so I dont take it down again... but thank you :tighthug: really
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:iconfluffy333:
fluffy333 Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I know what you mean. We all have those things that make us not like ourselves. Just hang in there though.
You seem like a wonderful person.:heart:
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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2013
:love: Aw, thank you <3
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:iconfluffy333:
fluffy333 Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
You're welcome.:hug:
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:iconeremitik:
Eremitik Featured By Owner Aug 30, 2013
"Sat at five am eating a cheese burger with a knife and fork"- this line is what grabbed my attention. By the time i had finished reading, I knew this was deeply personal.

What makes this piece stand out is the self introspection and honesty- its difficult at best to be honest with ourselves and face our faults and problems, let alone reveal them to others.
:iconbowplz:
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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Aug 31, 2013
Thank you, you are right this was incredibly difficult and hard to share publicly... thank you <3333
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:iconeremitik:
Eremitik Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2013
You are quite welcome
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:iconrosaryofsighsx:
RosaryOfSighsx Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2013
This is wonderfully brave and raw in its honesty and the pain of self-hatred. You are incredible, Kate :heart: I absolutely applaud you :hug:
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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2013
:blush: Thank you, I definitely needed to hear that :tighthug:
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