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Sat at five am eating a cheese burger with a knife and fork - my mum walks in. She doesn't question it but nonetheless it's suddenly impossible to swallow as my throat fills with shame and contracts with the strength of my self loathing. What are you doing? I am not sure, I was anxious so I couldn't sleep and suddenly the idea popped into my head and then it was all I could think about until eventually I figured I wouldn't get to sleep unless I got it over with.

Sometimes, often, I cry when I eat. As I put larded handfuls to my lips I hear someone in my head screaming; what are you doing?

I feel nauseous now. Not intentionally, although I am certain that my binge eating is both emotional and disorderly, but as a pool of disgust wriggles in my flabby stomach.

I try to be honest, in fact I am known for it, but every once in a while I write something so true that the thought of releasing an inventory of my flaws into a starscape of eager critics makes me sick to my eyeballs, so I close them and try to be brave. Hoping that this won't be the time when everyone says - "no, that's just you". Hoping that someone else might feel how I feel, and that I won't need to feel afraid anymore. Ashamed anymore. Maybe they won't need to feel ashamed either.

I write about it, knowing that I am telling the world one of my deepest - bottom of a lightless cave - secrets and that now the whole world will see all the reasons why I hate me, so the world will hate me. But despite that, and the maggots already festering in my dying rubber organs, I finish the burger. I cry.
I wrote this last night and posted it to my scraps with comments disabled because it is so personal and raw, and I was afraid. Even for me this is a whole new level of exposed that I've only ever touched upon before in In The Bath, but I got a few notes of support and people telling me to risk opening myself up because it might help someone else... who am I to deny that...

I don't want critique on this, I know its not my best work in a language way, but its a new level of honesty that is difficult for me, which means, I think, that I'm doing something right.

If you faved the scrapped version I apologise, but thank you :tighthug:
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:iconfluffy333:
fluffy333 Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
This is so raw and honest, it's beautiful. It is hard to open up once you've got used to closing yourself off. I hope sharing this helped you feel a likttle better at least.:hug:
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BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2013
:tears: It hurts to think about this. I am just pretending I didnt put it up so I dont take it down again... but thank you :tighthug: really
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:iconfluffy333:
fluffy333 Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I know what you mean. We all have those things that make us not like ourselves. Just hang in there though.
You seem like a wonderful person.:heart:
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BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2013
:love: Aw, thank you <3
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:iconfluffy333:
fluffy333 Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
You're welcome.:hug:
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:iconeremitik:
Eremitik Featured By Owner Aug 30, 2013
"Sat at five am eating a cheese burger with a knife and fork"- this line is what grabbed my attention. By the time i had finished reading, I knew this was deeply personal.

What makes this piece stand out is the self introspection and honesty- its difficult at best to be honest with ourselves and face our faults and problems, let alone reveal them to others.
:iconbowplz:
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BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Aug 31, 2013
Thank you, you are right this was incredibly difficult and hard to share publicly... thank you <3333
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:iconeremitik:
Eremitik Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2013
You are quite welcome
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:iconrosary0fsighs:
Rosary0fSighs Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2013
This is wonderfully brave and raw in its honesty and the pain of self-hatred. You are incredible, Kate :heart: I absolutely applaud you :hug:
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BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2013
:blush: Thank you, I definitely needed to hear that :tighthug:
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:iconrosary0fsighs:
Rosary0fSighs Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2013
:huggle:
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:iconshadowdragonborn52:
shadowdragonborn52 Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:hug: I'm sure you're beautiful already, but I know stuff like that can be extremely difficult. I'll always be right here, and I don't really care if we've never met each other. So, all I can do for you is to pray and always be here for you to talk to. Don't hesitate to talk to me. :hug:
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BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2013
:tighthug: Thank you so much, you are so kind :tears: everyones been so kind about this
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:iconshadowdragonborn52:
shadowdragonborn52 Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
No problem, and I'm not that kind :).
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:icononedreamonemoon:
OneDreamOneMoon Featured By Owner Aug 18, 2013
You are incredibly amazing. For one thing, you managed to sit down and write something as personal as this. For another, you mustered up enough courage to actually show it the entire world afterwards, thinking it might help others. That is seriously beautiful, and makes you just as beautiful. 
Thank you.

 
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BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Aug 18, 2013
:blush: God, thank you... that kind of support on a piece so brutal to write is REALLY beyond appreciated. It is a lifeboat... 

thank you so much :tighthug:
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:iconshedares:
SheDares Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
"Hoping that someone else might feel how I feel, and that I won't need to feel afraid anymore. Ashamed anymore."
Well, as I mentioned before, you're definitely not the only one. I'm bulimic along with a load of other crap, and it is SO hard not to hate yourself for it...
I can never put emotion behind describing my issues. You've put it wonderfully, and well done for writing it!
Yeah, I don't really know what to say... You can send me a note any time, if you want to talk :)
:tighthug:
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BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Aug 18, 2013
:tighthug: :tears: Thank you so so so much. It's so scary. And thank you for opening up to me in return. This is the second time Ive ever written about it (out of like 750 pieces in 16 years, to put that in context) and I still have only talked about this with my mum. I can't even tell my therapists or doctors yet. My mind just isnt ready to formulate the words.
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:iconshedares:
SheDares Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
:hug:
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:iconcerealnovels:
cerealnovels Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2013
This is such a powerful sentence. "I try to be honest, in fact I am known for it, but every once in a while I write something so true that the thought of releasing an inventory of my flaws into a starscape of eager critics makes me sick to my eyeballs, so I close them and try to be brave."  This is raw, honest and brave.
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BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2013
:tears: Thank you :tears:
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glossolalias Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2013
honesty is beautiful. 
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BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2013
but hard. :tighthug: thank you hon
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:iconglossolalias:
glossolalias Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2013
:heart:
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:icontyrison:
Tyrison Featured By Owner Aug 16, 2013  Student Writer
I feel you in this piece.  I struggle with similar things.  I hate overeating, but I do it so often.  I hate how shameful and disgusted I am with myself, and with my body.  Mirrors are sore subjects.

At any rate, I want to applaud you for putting this out here, for being painfully honest and terribly brave.  I appreciate it and love it. =)
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BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2013
:tighthug: Thank you so much, that means a lot because this was, no, IS, so difficult.. I don't have mirrors in my bedroom or in my bathroom, people think I'm weird. :giggle:
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:icontyrison:
Tyrison Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2013  Student Writer
You are so, so welcome.

I used to think that if I used mirrors, I could shame myself into doing better.  The shame part worked, but not the rest. :P
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BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2013
:[ I'm sorry
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:icontyrison:
Tyrison Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2013  Student Writer
Dun' worry. ^^  One of these days, something (or someone, probably) will come along and make me want to change.  It just hasn't happened yet.
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:iconthinkpink99:
thinkpink99 Featured By Owner Aug 16, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
IDK what to say...
I bet this helped someone<3
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BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2013
:tighthug: Thank you
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:iconthinkpink99:
thinkpink99 Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Np:)
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:iconhaphazardmelody:
haphazardmelody Featured By Owner Aug 16, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I agree that it can be terrifying to be this brave. But, again, you're not alone in this. :hug: Thanks for sharing and allowing comments.
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BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2013
:tighthug: Thank you for encouraging me
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:iconredfoxj:
redfoxj Featured By Owner Aug 16, 2013
It's downright touching. I'm not giving a critique, but I gotta say something. I'm not going to lie and say "I've been there too" because I haven't had this habit myself. However, your words felt so personal that it's gotten to me and made me sympathize deeper. I think I speak for everyone when I say: we all have flaws, maybe not the exact same flaw, but we share the fact that we are imperfect. And our flaws bring us down, bring us shame. So in a way I'm being honest too when I say "I've been there too", feeling that same sickening shame.

It's awfully brave of you to share this. Although it's not written, reading around the lines tells how courageous you are. It shows a strength of character, not being so mighty but frail, aware of your own mortality. So that concern about the new level of honesty: don't fret much because you did something right.
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BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2013
:tighthug: Thank you so much. It's still hard, scary, but people have been really supportive so far. I feel very small (IRONY) and vulnerable... :tighthug:
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:iconredfoxj:
redfoxj Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2013
Yeah. Something that bugs me is how there are evil people in the world. My paranoia got so bad I shut myself in for a few years. But with a little help, I understand there are also really good people in the world.
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BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Aug 18, 2013
Nods. I was housebound for almost 8 years, came out of my house last year and next month I'm going to try going to university. Including dorms. Eek!
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:iconredfoxj:
redfoxj Featured By Owner Aug 18, 2013
What are you studying? (If you don't mind me asking.)
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BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2013
I'll be studying Creative Writing and Media Communications, focusing on how the media affects societies views of mental health
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:iconredfoxj:
redfoxj Featured By Owner Aug 24, 2013
Amazing!  o.O
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:iconcamelopardalisinblue:
camelopardalisinblue Featured By Owner Aug 16, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
:huggle:

"Hoping that someone else might feel how I feel, and that I won't need to feel afraid anymore. Ashamed anymore."
I relate to how you feel, so so much. :heart: I'm sorry for the fear you feel. I'm sorry for the shame you feel. I'm sorry for the very aloneness you feel. I hope these words alleviate some of all of that for you, because I have been there before too.
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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2013
:tears: Thank you so much, :tighthug: and I'm so sorry that you can relate to this. :[
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:iconcamelopardalisinblue:
camelopardalisinblue Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
:huggle:

(I think right now I'm glad I relate, because it means you aren't alone. It's worth it, just for that.)
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:iconnightshade-keyblade:
nightshade-keyblade Featured By Owner Aug 16, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I don't know what I could say that you haven't heard a thousand times before. But you made the right decision.

I could probably tell you how I'm doing the same thing with my work, showing parts of myself that I would rather not let the world know. But then again...name one person who hasn't.

Oh, damn it all. Just...thank you. For showing us just what you've struggled with, what you are still struggling with. You're giving permission to others to break your heart...but it just means you love us enough to trust us.

Love you
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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Aug 16, 2013
:tighthug: Thank you so much hon, it is so scary. I thought I was vulnerable before, but I hid "In the bath" away so this is a new level for me. Eeeek! 
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:iconnightshade-keyblade:
nightshade-keyblade Featured By Owner Aug 18, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
You're welcome, sweet.  :iconsqueezehugplz:
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:iconshoeborn:
Shoeborn Featured By Owner Aug 16, 2013  Student General Artist
I...this is...
...Your words do help. We all feel alone, but when we hear those words, we're all alone together. 
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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Aug 16, 2013
:tighthug: Thank you
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:iconshoeborn:
Shoeborn Featured By Owner Aug 16, 2013  Student General Artist
Of course.
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