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Submitted on
September 3, 2013
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my curious ivories
tucked between these lips
beg to see what kisses taste like,
to feel what love looks like,
but dampened down
between safety and sound
the tiniest bones in my body, in my ears,
vibrate with a fake smile
and the nod of my dainty doll head
as i lie (with you/to you) again
and grimace; i'm okay.
Yeah, sorry, used the dreaded <sub>. I had to, because I (and my words) feel small.
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:iconbdancinjones:
This is great! The imagery is deep and powerful; my personal favorite is the opening description of teeth as "curious ivories."

I'm used to verse capitalizing the beginning of each line, but because it's all one sentence, I understand the absence of it; I bring it up because I believe it is worth looking at again; because it's consistent, it could work either way, but it would probably look better to my eye were it capitalized (and the word "I" should always be capitalized; folks not capitalizing names and "I" is perhaps my biggest personal pet peeve).

My only other decent constructive criticism is of the "(with you/to you)" section; pick one, and put it in. You could also add a line and make it read "as I lie with you again, / I also lie to you / and grimace; I'm okay," including both. As it is, however, the flow gets cut-up and the meaning becomes unclear.

That all being said, this is a great piece, and in response to your comment on using the font; I totally understand using a certain font to emphasize the piece: I personally am often a little annoyed at the lack of fonts deviantArt and Sta.sh have to offer. Perhaps the only suggestion left is that you could start with a larger font and generally get smaller, emphasizing the smallness of the words the narrator actually says.

Anyways, great job!
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:iconchromeantennae:
chromeantennae Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Your poetry is always so incredible. :heart:
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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2013
Aw! Thank you!!
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:iconchromeantennae:
chromeantennae Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
My pleasure, as always. :)
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:iconaurora9912:
Aurora9912 Featured By Owner Sep 6, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Use whatever you want, whenever you want. I still cannot believe that people think there are rules when it comes to writing what is inside you, trying to get out. Rules do not apply. I was never very good at following rules anyway.
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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2013
:giggle: me either
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:icongoldenchased:
goldenchaseD Featured By Owner Sep 5, 2013  Student Artist
That's beautiful.
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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2013
thanks :]
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:iconprussianpersephone:
PrussianPersephone Featured By Owner Sep 5, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
God, I love this.

"but dampened down
between safety and sound"

fucking awesome, because of the way I'm reading it in my head. The poem has a very melancholic lyrical feel to it and I adore it so.
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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Sep 5, 2013
:love: You are so kind! <333333 thank you!!
Reply
:iconladylincoln:
LadyLincoln Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
You have the biggest, most beautiful heart I know -- never forget that.

Love you :heart:
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