Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login
×

:iconbloodshotink: More from BloodshotInk


Featured in Collections

Literature by FadingGrin

Poems Litterature Typography by TheForsakenGoddess


More from DeviantArt



Details

Submitted on
September 3, 2013
File Size
482 bytes
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
774
Favourites
59 (who?)
Comments
30
×
my curious ivories
tucked between these lips
beg to see what kisses taste like,
to feel what love looks like,
but dampened down
between safety and sound
the tiniest bones in my body, in my ears,
vibrate with a fake smile
and the nod of my dainty doll head
as i lie (with you/to you) again
and grimace; i'm okay.
Yeah, sorry, used the dreaded <sub>. I had to, because I (and my words) feel small.
Add a Comment:
 
:iconbdancinjones:
This is great! The imagery is deep and powerful; my personal favorite is the opening description of teeth as "curious ivories."

I'm used to verse capitalizing the beginning of each line, but because it's all one sentence, I understand the absence of it; I bring it up because I believe it is worth looking at again; because it's consistent, it could work either way, but it would probably look better to my eye were it capitalized (and the word "I" should always be capitalized; folks not capitalizing names and "I" is perhaps my biggest personal pet peeve).

My only other decent constructive criticism is of the "(with you/to you)" section; pick one, and put it in. You could also add a line and make it read "as I lie with you again, / I also lie to you / and grimace; I'm okay," including both. As it is, however, the flow gets cut-up and the meaning becomes unclear.

That all being said, this is a great piece, and in response to your comment on using the font; I totally understand using a certain font to emphasize the piece: I personally am often a little annoyed at the lack of fonts deviantArt and Sta.sh have to offer. Perhaps the only suggestion left is that you could start with a larger font and generally get smaller, emphasizing the smallness of the words the narrator actually says.

Anyways, great job!
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
6 out of 6 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

:iconchromeantennae:
chromeantennae Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Your poetry is always so incredible. :heart:
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2013
Aw! Thank you!!
Reply
:iconchromeantennae:
chromeantennae Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
My pleasure, as always. :)
Reply
:iconaurora9912:
Aurora9912 Featured By Owner Sep 6, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Use whatever you want, whenever you want. I still cannot believe that people think there are rules when it comes to writing what is inside you, trying to get out. Rules do not apply. I was never very good at following rules anyway.
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2013
:giggle: me either
Reply
:icongoldenchased:
goldenchaseD Featured By Owner Sep 5, 2013  Student Artist
That's beautiful.
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2013
thanks :]
Reply
:iconprussianpersephone:
PrussianPersephone Featured By Owner Sep 5, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
God, I love this.

"but dampened down
between safety and sound"

fucking awesome, because of the way I'm reading it in my head. The poem has a very melancholic lyrical feel to it and I adore it so.
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Sep 5, 2013
:love: You are so kind! <333333 thank you!!
Reply
:iconladylincoln:
LadyLincoln Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
You have the biggest, most beautiful heart I know -- never forget that.

Love you :heart:
Reply
:iconcskadoz:
cskadoz Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2013   General Artist
whoa. it's like time-warp after "jacked up"
way sad and true to life -- i love it!
Reply
:iconiampoetry:
iamPoetry Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Wonderful feelings!
Reply
:iconsingagainsoon:
singagainsoon Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
i love your poetry so much!! we all have those days but if you're ever feeling small just remember that you matter lots to me :hug:
Reply
:icononlyalittlekraken:
OnlyALittleKraken Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I love your poetry so much <3 I'm terrible at poetry, which just makes me admire people like you even more!
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2013
:tighthug: Aw! thank you!!
Reply
:iconnldarkstripe:
nldarkstripe Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2013
this is beautiful! love this :D
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2013
:) Awesome, thank you
Reply
:iconnldarkstripe:
nldarkstripe Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2013
ya its really cooL :D
Reply
:iconwallawallaw:
wallawallaw Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2013
hey, don't feel small... allthough these moments happen to surge every once in a while... just let them pass... alone here on dA you have proven to be a great person :heart: , and you have great work in your gallery
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2013
I try :(( Thank you hon :tighthug:
Reply
:iconwallawallaw:
wallawallaw Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2013
:rose: :tighthug:
Reply
:iconnightshade-keyblade:
nightshade-keyblade Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
It feels like people are writing poems to put into words what I can't. Thank you :heart:
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2013
:tighthug: :[
Reply
:iconnightshade-keyblade:
nightshade-keyblade Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:huggle:
Reply
:iconghostoftheemptygrave:
GhostOfTheEmptyGrave Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2013
We all feel small sometimes, on this big Universe. But we're bigger than we realize.
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2013
:tighthug:
Reply
:iconghostoftheemptygrave:
GhostOfTheEmptyGrave Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2013
*hugs back* :hug: 
Reply
:iconwhiteheartflame:
WhiteHeartFlame Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I really like this, and I don't mind the sub.  ^^
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2013
:tighthug: Thank you so much
Reply
:iconwhiteheartflame:
WhiteHeartFlame Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
You're welcome.  ^_^  Huggle! 
Reply
Add a Comment: