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I am not enchanted.

The dreams come
but they are not dreams at all
and I am not asleep.

Your hand sliding up my thigh
and your groan slicks itself onto my neck,
embeds itself into my skin.

I wear the remnants
of your ecstasy in my flesh still.
It crawls when any other nears it.

It came to be that your bed-side clock
replaced my fearful heartbeat
as I laid in stasis and hoped -

for a passing; of time, of fingers, of life.
I cannot sleep with ticking in my ear anymore
I don't think of time running out, but of paralysis.

I think of lapses of concentration,
of tongues,
of temperaments.

I think of those slow burning moments
that stretched out longer than I wanted
and lasted longer still. I think of the tears.

I am not enchanted.

The days pass
but they are not days at all
and I am not awake.

I am pacified by the numbness
of lobe or cortex that controls memory,
a self imposed strike out against you,

a strike my hand should have made.
Regret is buried
six feet beneath my fingernails.

Every time I tell someone I love them
I hear my soprano voice stuttering,
breaking.

I recall luring you to sleep with those words,
over and over, and when it was safe
I would run down the spiral staircase in the tower.

I admit I sipped from china cups
and daintily impersonated an adult.
I thought I could handle love, loving.

The rag-dolls watched, wide eyed and horrified,
as my bravado fell flat. As I fell flat.
As we fell, and I flatly refused.

As I clenched my jaw, the same jaw I will always bear.
As I crushed my eyes shut,
the same eyes that will always burn with shame.

As I dug my nails through the sheets.
The nails are gone, I bit them til they bled.

I suspect the sheets are gone too,
a destroyed relic of a squirming, weeping, spurting love-
-what I thought was love then- but even so,

I was never enchanted.
IMPORTANT: I absolutely must give huge credit to *swansisters who's poem I am not enchanted begins;
I am not enchanted
The dreams came but they weren’t dreams
I was awake

it gave me a whole new way of trying to express this thing that happened to me and I had to run with it and she so so so graciously allowed me to steal these lines and rip them into something new - so thank you. The original poem (that she wrote) is so beautiful and much shorter than mine so go check it out, do!


I'm sorry this is so long... but ten years is a long time to bottle something up and it's only just starting to let me write about it. Forgivesies?


♥ Kathryn O'Driscoll © 2013

All rights reserved. All the materials contained in my deviantART gallery may NOT be used, reproduced, copied, edited, published, transmitted, borrowed, duplicated, printed, downloaded, or uploaded in any way without my express written permission, however feel free to contact me should you desire to use my work - as I love to share.


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Add a Comment:
 
:iconthepixiesmuse:
Spellbound; you have certainly cast me under a spell of your beautiful words and bound me there in awe. I am so sorry for the pain that you have gone through; but I am so in love with the fact that you were strong enough to get not let it get to you and make it fuel your art and create a gripping poem such as this.

When I read this I think of abuse, rape, horrible situations of manipulation, incarceration both emotionally and physically, betrayal and extreme hurt-but what is brilliant is how you put these ideas across to me subtly and use the softest, yet strongest metaphors; for example 'and when it was safe/I would run down the spiral staircase in the tower'. This gave me the idea of you having been imprisoned emotionally and physically in a relationship, and this has been compared to a fairy tale like setting, making it seem as if even then during the horrible situation, it didn't seem like reality, only a nightmare.

Wonderful wonderful wonderful poem. I really adore this, it has to be one of the strongest, most emotional pieces I have come across in a while. I actually can not find anything that I would want to change. Well done, and I admire your strength in having the courage to share your experiences with complete strangers.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
8 out of 8 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Jul 21, 2013   General Artist
*sighs heavily then holds your hand* :huggle: <3
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jul 24, 2013
Thank you angel ♥
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2013   General Artist
:tighthug: :heart: :heart: :heart:
Reply
:iconmistressofquills:
MistressofQuills Featured By Owner Jul 18, 2013  Student Writer
I think that time can often be the best medium through which we come to understand our pain. "A long time" means there's lots of words, too... and coming from you, that's a good thing:heart:
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2013
nods, thank you. I've been upset lately because of some of the comments on Shiver (different poem about same event). People being ... aroused... it's distressing :[
Reply
:iconmistressofquills:
MistressofQuills Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2013  Student Writer
Yeesh.....well if makes you feel any better, I certainly had no reaction like that.....horror was a good way to tag it in my opinion. People are just odd:shrug: And yes, distressing is a great way to describe that:P
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2013
Nods :[
Reply
:iconmistressofquills:
MistressofQuills Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2013  Student Writer
Sympathy emoticon 
Reply
:iconmeredyxd:
MeredyxD Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2013  Hobbyist
I'm not sure if it is a good thing for the reader to find pieces of themselves in the poems they read.. But i found myself in the lines "Every time I tell someone I love them I hear my soprano voice stuttering, breaking." ..

It is a beautiful poem<3 Don't worry about it being long, it doesn't take the beauty away<3 I think it's great that you're telling what you feel and have kept inside for so long yet still manage to do it in a beautiful, artistic way<3 i love your style of writing so much, it's very unique and meaningful.
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jul 8, 2013
:tighthug: Thank you so much, for your support of the piece but also of me. 
Reply
:iconmeredyxd:
MeredyxD Featured By Owner Jul 22, 2013  Hobbyist
:hug: you're welcome sweetie :heart: you deserve to be supported, not just because you're talented and your work is amazing but also because you're a nice, helpful and honest person :heart:
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jul 24, 2013
:love: you are so so sweet, thank you so much
Reply
:icontoatepsak:
ToaTepsak Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
Forgivesies. I love this :)
This, I think, is my favorite part:

I wear the remnants
of your ecstasy in my flesh still.
It crawls when any other nears it.

And the part about the clock replacing the heartbeat.
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jul 4, 2013
thank you :tighthug:
Reply
:icontoatepsak:
ToaTepsak Featured By Owner Jul 4, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
Daaw you're welcome! :huggle:
Reply
:iconmira-hanabi:
Mira-Hanabi Featured By Owner Jun 29, 2013
Spellbound...It's really good! It even reminds me of the book I read back in fifth grade that was named Spellbound. Found some similarities...if my brain is working correctly! Brings back some memories of the book, thanks. It's was emotional and beautiful!
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jul 4, 2013
Thank you!!
Reply
:iconmira-hanabi:
Mira-Hanabi Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2013
You're welcome~^^
Reply
:iconphoenixdestruction:
PhoenixDestruction Featured By Owner Jun 29, 2013
It reminds me a lot of the Lacuna Coil song, sharing the same name. It has a lot of passion and emotive display. Well Done!
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jul 4, 2013
I don't know that song, but thank you for your comment :D :D ! <3
Reply
:iconladyflux:
LadyFlux Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
The imagery in this is outstanding and the emotion it creates is truly wonderful. You are an amazing writer!
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2013
Thank you so much! Gosh! I try!
Reply
:iconhaphazardmelody:
haphazardmelody Featured By Owner Jun 23, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
It's really sad that so many of us share this same sort of story. You've put it perfectly. It's definitely not too long; I saw you apologizing for that in the comments, but it's not. I liked the part where you related this to a fairy tale kind of thing...sort of reminded me of Beauty and the Best for some reason, especially when talking about sipping from china cups right after having planted that image of a spiral tower.

Seriously, brave. :hug:
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2013
:tighthug: Nods, thank you so much, yes I did try and put some fairy tale imagery in there and beauty and the beast is how i felt about what happened.
Reply
:iconoseltamivir:
Oseltamivir Featured By Owner Jun 23, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Oh my god! This is such an amazing piece of poetry! You took my breath away with it. I can totally relate to what you've expressed so beautifully here. Thank you for writing this masterpiece. I just love it!
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2013
BLushes, thank you! I am so touched by your support!
Reply
:iconmariecobain:
mariecobain Featured By Owner Jun 23, 2013  Student Writer
I LOVE this. Excellent job, you are superb! :) I wish I could tell you what my favorite lines were, but that seems to stretch across the entire piece. Fantastic job a thousand times over; this is a great poem. Thank you for sharing it.
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2013
:love: Gosh, that is such a glowing compliment, thank you so much!
Reply
:iconmariecobain:
mariecobain Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2013  Student Writer
You're very welcome :D
Reply
:iconnightshade-keyblade:
nightshade-keyblade Featured By Owner Jun 22, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
It took a lot of guts to write this. Whatever the reason, it was as a good a time as any to share it.

:heart: :iconhugsplz:
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2013
:tighthug: thank you so much
Reply
:iconnightshade-keyblade:
nightshade-keyblade Featured By Owner Jul 14, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
You're welcome, love :hug:
Reply
:iconkmusicdreamer:
KMusicDreamer Featured By Owner Jun 22, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
You are forgiven. Because every word, every line counts for your memories. I can feel it. The pain gripping each word typed. It's indescribable. Delightful. And sad. I Hope you'll be able to get through this pain because if what I felt while reading this poem is anything near to how you still feel, than you need a lot of courage. This poem made me feel. Do not apologize for that. Keep up the exquisite writing. It's divine.
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2013
:tighthug: thank you so much for your support. I hope so too.
Reply
:iconkmusicdreamer:
KMusicDreamer Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
You are very welcome. :)) If you ever need to vent or support in any way, just hit me up with a note, 'kay? I love to be there for people in any way I can, even if it's not much. :cling:
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jul 4, 2013
<33333
Reply
:iconkmusicdreamer:
KMusicDreamer Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
:)
Reply
:iconswansisters:
swansisters Featured By Owner Jun 22, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
This is beautiful, poignant and I am so proud and touched to be the inspiration. I hope your pain heals as well :heart:
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2013
:love: Thank you so much
Reply
:iconfrozenstate:
frozenstate Featured By Owner Jun 21, 2013  Student Writer
This is amazing... I felt awestruck by it. I really admire your courage for expressing something that has been pent up for quite some time too :D I wish I had the same courage you possess. :)
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jun 22, 2013
Thank you so much :tighthug:
Reply
:icondevoneaton:
DevonEaton Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I'll admit a lot of your work is far too subliminal for my tastes, but this is just... raw. And powerful. I'm impressed.
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jun 22, 2013
:love: Thanks! and gosh. I'm surprised at the subliminal comment! 
Reply
:iconsvartulf:
Svartulf Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2013   General Artist
Powerful writing Kathryn. Thank you for sharing, I wish I had your gift.
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jun 22, 2013
:blush: You are too kind my friend <3
Reply
:iconchancerox:
chancerox Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
sometimes pain makes the most incredible things. getting that stuff out feels like hell in a heartbeat, but once it's out, the feelings fade to relief. this is beautiful & i admire your courage for writing it :)
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jun 22, 2013
:tighthug :Thank you so much!
Reply
:iconlupus-astra:
lupus-astra Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I think it's high time you unbottled this all. It's beautiful. Raw but beautiful. I loved it. I wish I could say more but I'm a bit starstruck.
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2013
:tighthug: Thank you :tears:
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
This is beautifully brutal and tears at my heart strings.
Do you feel better now that it's out?
Reply
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