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Submitted on
March 30, 2013
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Sometimes my breath catches in my throat
and the very stillness of an earth going
a thousand and three miles per hour
gets lodged there.

Sometimes these simple exchanges
leave me breathless, croaking on dust:
the unfiltered pigments of other people's skin
and blood and ash

but with my tarred lungs and itchy eyes
I sit and sift through charcoaled remains,
alphabetising them from c to c. I am lost
in a world charred brazen.

Many things I have loved have turned to ash.
Many people. I was naive enough to think
that there was some perfect nutritional truth
that could outlast hell-fire.

I claw through a world turned ashen
and know those dead embers collect in my cells
They are the harbingers of a truth
I do not want.

The skittish earth throws its skirts about again
to unsettle us all, and I am unsettled
Alone in the dirt, organising piles of bone-dust
and realising

he did not love, at all.
I'm just going to point this out right off of the bat, because otherwise I know I will get loads of comments about it. In this poem the world has not ended because of a man not loving the narrative voice. Okay? The 'nutritional truth' I wrote about is the concept of love being able to overcome dark places, including this dystopian world. The poem, FOR ME, is about realising that maybe that was dumb to believe.. the poems about, not being able to move on. From death, from loss of any kind including break ups yes, its about having your bubble popped and realising the world is darker than you thought it was - and I already thought the world was pretty dark so yes you get a world of ash from me.

It's about trying to organise pile after pile of the same pain that all merges into one and its surrounding you and individually they are very s mall but together they are insurmountable. Because thats what my life is like, and probably many other peoples lives. Maybe everyones lives, I dont know.

It's a poem about growing up. Growing harder. About wincing when someone raises their hand because you assume people are going to hurt you. Its about believing in love, and getting your heartbroken. but for me, the reason the world turned to ash in the poem isnt BECAUSE he doesnt love her, its because she can't believe it. she cant believe the world could be such a horrific place, so she tries to make things out of piles of ash, and nothingness and tries not to think about all the horrific evidence there has been in her life that people just fucking suck and life hates you and wants to kill you.

It's a poem about trying to reshape your entire world after someone blows it to fucking pieces, and takes back the love, the security, the self stability, the rug beneath your feet. It's not saying she needs him to survive or that if a guy breaks up with a girl then she can't cope. When a break up happens, your world perception can change too, and THAT change in your life, in your head, can be excruciating, but no body will talk about it because they only hear you talking about your ex.

Well I love my ex, he knows that. He doesnt want me. I dont know why but I could hazard about a million guesses. Its irrelevant. What is relevant is that my view on myself and the world has changed, because of being with him and because of him leaving me (in about equal measure) and I'm facing a whole new world.

and if you tell me that 'a woman shouldn't need a man to validate herself' then you are over simplifying my words and so help me god... I am tired of hearing it. Yes, I miss him. But what I miss more, is me. Can anybody understand that?



P.S. recently someone called me pessimistic. I don't think I am. I think every poem I write has an element of this. A lost, helpless little girl trying her damnedest to make things right for herself and those she loves, even in really dark scary ugly places in the world. I'd say its pretty optimistic for me to have even stayed alive so long. That's just my opinion though.

P.P.S. April is a super emotional time for me so I will be ultra sensitive, so I apologise deeply deeply deeply if I offend anybody when I react to things. I don't mean to be rude. : ( I'm sorry!


Poem's notes

"a thousand and three miles per hour" This isn't quite accurate. I think its 1038, but this sounded better and it varies depending on which latitude your at anyway so for some people this is correct I suppose. Whoop!

"c to c. I am lost" sea to sea. big space.
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:iconjonkania:
jonkania Featured By Owner Jul 12, 2013  Professional
This is brilliant! would u like this poem featured in my new magazine? :)
Nice to meet you!

I have plans for setting up a creative magazine in the near future
Please let me know if you would like to be featured :)

It is a magazine to expose up and coming & unique artists, illustrators and crafts people.
The magazine will be split into 2 parts. Front -- light, bright and colourful - Back - dark, fantasy, deep

Kind regards

Jon Kania :)
[link]
[link]
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:icontigerjump71:
Tigerjump71 Featured By Owner May 21, 2013
I think I know where you're coming from, but I don't claim to have known what you're feeling. That's one of the things I hate about other people. They NEVER truly know "how you feel". Everyone is unique, and gets impacted differently. Just do whatever you have to to get through it. I believe in you~<3
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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner May 24, 2013
:tighthug: thank you so much
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:iconvampeer1:
vampeer1 Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
all of it well done!
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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Apr 14, 2013
:tighthug: Thank you
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:iconvampeer1:
vampeer1 Featured By Owner Apr 14, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
:)
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:iconricardo-orozco:
Ricardo-Orozco Featured By Owner Apr 7, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
hollyy , the ending was unexpected :P hahha i like it
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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Apr 18, 2013
I'm late responding because April hates me, I apologise :[

It was unexpected to me too! Heh, thanks!!
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:iconcatherinefairport:
CatherineFairport Featured By Owner Apr 1, 2013
I understand now.
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:iconaurora9912:
Aurora9912 Featured By Owner Apr 1, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
:clap:
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