I'm just going to point this out right off of the bat, because otherwise I know I will get loads of comments about it. In this poem the world has not ended because of a man not loving the narrative voice. Okay? The 'nutritional truth' I wrote about is the concept of love being able to overcome dark places, including this dystopian world. The poem, FOR ME, is about realising that maybe that was dumb to believe.. the poems about, not being able to move on. From death, from loss of any kind including break ups yes, its about having your bubble popped and realising the world is darker than you thought it was - and I already thought the world was pretty dark so yes you get a world of ash from me.
It's about trying to organise pile after pile of the same pain that all merges into one and its surrounding you and individually they are very s mall but together they are insurmountable. Because thats what my life is like, and probably many other peoples lives. Maybe everyones lives, I dont know.
It's a poem about growing up. Growing harder. About wincing when someone raises their hand because you assume people are going to hurt you. Its about believing in love, and getting your heartbroken. but for me, the reason the world turned to ash in the poem isnt BECAUSE he doesnt love her, its because she can't believe it. she cant believe the world could be such a horrific place, so she tries to make things out of piles of ash, and nothingness and tries not to think about all the horrific evidence there has been in her life that people just fucking suck and life hates you and wants to kill you.
It's a poem about trying to reshape your entire world after someone blows it to fucking pieces, and takes back the love, the security, the self stability, the rug beneath your feet. It's not saying she needs him to survive or that if a guy breaks up with a girl then she can't cope. When a break up happens, your world perception can change too, and THAT change in your life, in your head, can be excruciating, but no body will talk about it because they only hear you talking about your ex.
Well I love my ex, he knows that. He doesnt want me. I dont know why but I could hazard about a million guesses. Its irrelevant. What is relevant is that my view on myself and the world has changed, because of being with him and because of him leaving me (in about equal measure) and I'm facing a whole new world.
and if you tell me that 'a woman shouldn't need a man to validate herself' then you are over simplifying my words and so help me god... I am tired of hearing it. Yes, I miss him. But what I miss more, is me. Can anybody understand that?
P.S. recently someone called me pessimistic. I don't think I am. I think every poem I write has an element of this. A lost, helpless little girl trying her damnedest to make things right for herself and those she loves, even in really dark scary ugly places in the world. I'd say its pretty optimistic for me to have even stayed alive so long. That's just my opinion though.
P.P.S. April is a super emotional time for me so I will be ultra sensitive, so I apologise deeply deeply deeply if I offend anybody when I react to things. I don't mean to be rude. : ( I'm sorry!
"a thousand and three miles per hour" This isn't quite accurate. I think its 1038, but this sounded better and it varies depending on which latitude your at anyway so for some people this is correct I suppose. Whoop!
"c to c. I am lost" sea to sea. big space.