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Submitted on
January 12


77 (who?)
The world went away
wild and untethered
from now-loose neurons -
Oh how it flew
for that blind moment
before the lacework broke
and flung serotonin
against baroque wallpaper.
This piece was inspired by this gorgeous drawing:

The day the world went away by wiosny
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I think this is a beautiful piece of poetry with great impact, that I had to read again right away. I just have a couple of suggestions.

Perhaps you don't need the second hyphen in 'now-loose-neurons'; the first one I agree is needed to tie the words together, but I wouldn't do it to a noun anyway, and I think it would have more impact as an isolated word.

I also wonder whether 'wall' would work better as the final word; 'wallpaper' seems to lose impact by being a bit too long, and since there are so many kinds of wallpaper it's hard to imagine the one in this image. So for me, it works better as:
and flung serotonin
against the wall.

That's all I have. Hope it helps!
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
4 out of 4 deviants thought this was fair.

To be honest, its taken me a really long time to digest this poem properly. I had a hard time retaining the sense within the poem. I felt rather than saw when I read it. Which offered a different effect of impact.

As for technique, I don't know whether you meant to do it, but the subject abruptly changes in-between. The 1st three lines proceed well, until you reach the middle, there is a sudden change there. Since it is your poem, I will not judge so harshly.

In summation, this poem is very different, and very well done.

What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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shashankrajwade Mar 1, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
It feels like a rant from a dying man/woman.....So beautiful....
Adagiobunny Feb 10, 2014  Student Writer
waves of images that whip & whirl. i find myself caught in your artistry!
Gosh, thank you :love:
PrussianPersephone Jan 19, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
the image of the world going nutty is one I very much like.
WinterLeave Jan 15, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks! I love this image!
WinterLeave Jan 18, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
you're welcome!
Undomiel321 Jan 15, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
This together with the artwork is really something special. 
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