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The world went away
wild and untethered
from now-loose neurons -
Oh how it flew
for that blind moment
before the lacework broke
and flung serotonin
against baroque wallpaper.
This piece was inspired by this gorgeous drawing:


The day the world went away by wiosny
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:iconthornyenglishrose:
I think this is a beautiful piece of poetry with great impact, that I had to read again right away. I just have a couple of suggestions.

Perhaps you don't need the second hyphen in 'now-loose-neurons'; the first one I agree is needed to tie the words together, but I wouldn't do it to a noun anyway, and I think it would have more impact as an isolated word.

I also wonder whether 'wall' would work better as the final word; 'wallpaper' seems to lose impact by being a bit too long, and since there are so many kinds of wallpaper it's hard to imagine the one in this image. So for me, it works better as:
and flung serotonin
against the wall.


That's all I have. Hope it helps!
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
4 out of 4 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconlegolaspanther:
To be honest, its taken me a really long time to digest this poem properly. I had a hard time retaining the sense within the poem. I felt rather than saw when I read it. Which offered a different effect of impact.

As for technique, I don't know whether you meant to do it, but the subject abruptly changes in-between. The 1st three lines proceed well, until you reach the middle, there is a sudden change there. Since it is your poem, I will not judge so harshly.

In summation, this poem is very different, and very well done.

~Legolas
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:iconshashankrajwade:
shashankrajwade Featured By Owner Mar 1, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
It feels like a rant from a dying man/woman.....So beautiful....
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:iconadagiobunny:
Adagiobunny Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2014  Student Writer
waves of images that whip & whirl. i find myself caught in your artistry!
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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2014
Gosh, thank you :love:
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:iconlupus-astra:
lupus-astra Featured By Owner Jan 19, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
the image of the world going nutty is one I very much like.
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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jan 19, 2014
:) Thanks
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:iconwinterleave:
WinterLeave Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
beautiful!
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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2014
Thanks! I love this image!
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:iconwinterleave:
WinterLeave Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
you're welcome!
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:iconundomiel321:
Undomiel321 Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
This together with the artwork is really something special. 
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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2014
Thanks!
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:icondrippingwords:
DrippingWords Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2014  Student Writer
Oooh. :heart:
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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2014
:D!
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:iconshadowedacolyte:
ShadowedAcolyte Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2014
"serotonin" makes an excellent twist near the end here.
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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2014
Thank you!! :D!
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:iconghostoftheemptygrave:
It sure makes an impact on the reader. Well done :)
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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2014
Thank you! I am so glad :>
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:iconghostoftheemptygrave:
No problem.
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:iconmistertotality:
MisterTotality Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2014
You've done a lovely job of putting another artist's work to words.  I think I like the idea of poets building on artwork.
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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2014
:giggle: I don't do it very often, it feels like stealing, but sometimes it writes itself in my head and I think - oh well, might as well write it down now it already exists. lol
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:iconmagicaljoey:
MagicalJoey Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2014   Writer
It is very heavy, as previously said. My brain linked the picture to your words and went 'what a awesome yet serious way to describe suicide by gunshot wound to the head. (If that was not the intention then pardon my wacky head - blame it on the eye infection working its way into my brain)
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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2014
:tighthug: It totally was the intention. 
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:iconmagicaljoey:
MagicalJoey Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2014   Writer
Oh, snaps for me! I correctly interpreted a piece :D (Now if only I could have done that during my exams at school)
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:iconrlkirkland:
rlkirkland Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Strong effort; your critiquer seems sound in her observations. :)
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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2014
She is a legend!
Reply
:iconghostinafog:
ghostinafog Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2014
heavy indeed. although the first line feels a bit too calm/neutral/bland in contrast to the rest of the poem... maybe you could replace "went" with something.
however feel free to disregard that. good work.
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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2014
Hmm! Good feedback! Thanks!
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:iconthelastwhiterose85:
TheLastWhiteRose85 Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Hey, that is awesome. It feels very heavy almost like having, seemingly the whole world upon your shoulders. Great job I cried a little reading this poem.
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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2014
Nods. :tighthug: Sorry I made you cry
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:iconthelastwhiterose85:
TheLastWhiteRose85 Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
That is a great thing, do not apologize for that :3
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January 12, 2014
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