Deviant Login Shop  Join deviantART for FREE Take the Tour
×

:iconbloodshotink: More from BloodshotInk


More from deviantART



Details

Submitted on
May 10
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
536 (2 today)
Favourites
67 (who?)
Comments
30
×
A group of us lying on the floor
in a too-small apartment
that can’t hold a fraction of our disorders
syndromes and symptoms
tucked under the kitchen sink
and in between self help books
and in the pages of love poetry
only half meant.

A group of us lying on the floor
wishing we could see the stars.
but thats not how the architecture
has been set up for us
we have to live our lives blinkered
from the celestial
but at least we have each other.

A group of us lying on the floor
letting music replace our immune systems
not caring if a misspent lyric saves us,
not caring if a dropped note kills us
we don’t care about anything but the floor,
these walls, these chains,
that sound so familiar in an acoustic’s voice.

A group of us lying on the floor
caring about nothing but the ceiling
thats blocking out the light.
Add a Comment:
 
:iconmichel-le-fou:
Here is Michel's assessment of this poem. The first things I noticed were that 1. There was in fact no audible rhythm, as would be in traditional form, no established meter, and 2. the first stanza began interestingly.
"A too-small apartment
that can't hold a fraction of our disorders,
Syndromes and symptoms"
You did manage to add alliteration here, and I enjoyed that too.
You began the succeeding stanzas with the identical first line, which is a good technique. The length and content of each stanza after the first was good too. This has the quality, the resemblance, to narrative poetry, btw. Good work.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
10 out of 10 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

:iconpuddlethecat:
puddlethecat Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
so lovely <3
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jun 25, 2014
Thanks :D
Reply
:iconcerealnovels:
cerealnovels Featured By Owner May 20, 2014
Very interesting movement of thought. The last verse has the punch of truth. Nicely done!
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jun 15, 2014
Thank you :love:!
Reply
:icondragonschest:
DragonsChest Featured By Owner May 11, 2014  Professional Writer
Another lovely piece... :aww:
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jun 15, 2014
yay! Thank you :>
Reply
:icondragonschest:
DragonsChest Featured By Owner Jun 15, 2014  Professional Writer
Very Welcome... :aww:
Reply
:iconkillerlord123:
killerlord123 Featured By Owner May 11, 2014
Awesome poem, full of emotion and great imagery :)
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jun 15, 2014
Thanks! :) It was a weird night
Reply
:iconkillerlord123:
killerlord123 Featured By Owner Jun 16, 2014
No problem. And weird things are OK on my book.
Reply
Add a Comment: