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Writing by MatieuCanadaWilliams

words by Lissomer

Poems Litterature Typography by TheForsakenGoddess


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Submitted on
May 10, 2014
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A group of us lying on the floor
in a too-small apartment
that can’t hold a fraction of our disorders
syndromes and symptoms
tucked under the kitchen sink
and in between self help books
and in the pages of love poetry
only half meant.

A group of us lying on the floor
wishing we could see the stars.
but thats not how the architecture
has been set up for us
we have to live our lives blinkered
from the celestial
but at least we have each other.

A group of us lying on the floor
letting music replace our immune systems
not caring if a misspent lyric saves us,
not caring if a dropped note kills us
we don’t care about anything but the floor,
these walls, these chains,
that sound so familiar in an acoustic’s voice.

A group of us lying on the floor
caring about nothing but the ceiling
thats blocking out the light.
Add a Comment:
 
:iconmichel-le-fou:
Here is Michel's assessment of this poem. The first things I noticed were that 1. There was in fact no audible rhythm, as would be in traditional form, no established meter, and 2. the first stanza began interestingly.
"A too-small apartment
that can't hold a fraction of our disorders,
Syndromes and symptoms"
You did manage to add alliteration here, and I enjoyed that too.
You began the succeeding stanzas with the identical first line, which is a good technique. The length and content of each stanza after the first was good too. This has the quality, the resemblance, to narrative poetry, btw. Good work.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
11 out of 11 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:iconpuddlethecat:
puddlethecat Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
so lovely <3
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jun 25, 2014
Thanks :D
Reply
:iconcerealnovels:
cerealnovels Featured By Owner May 20, 2014
Very interesting movement of thought. The last verse has the punch of truth. Nicely done!
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jun 15, 2014
Thank you :love:!
Reply
:icondragonschest:
DragonsChest Featured By Owner May 11, 2014  Professional Writer
Another lovely piece... :aww:
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jun 15, 2014
yay! Thank you :>
Reply
:icondragonschest:
DragonsChest Featured By Owner Jun 15, 2014  Professional Writer
Very Welcome... :aww:
Reply
:iconghostoftheemptygrave:
Awesome poem, full of emotion and great imagery :)
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jun 15, 2014
Thanks! :) It was a weird night
Reply
:iconghostoftheemptygrave:
No problem. And weird things are OK on my book.
Reply
:iconbunocerous:
bunocerous Featured By Owner May 11, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Holy shit I love this. you just wrote several years of my life lol
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner May 11, 2014
:love: Aw, thank you honey!! <333
Reply
:iconwinterleave:
WinterLeave Featured By Owner May 11, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
very beautiful! I also watched you perform love/hate, it was very good!
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner May 11, 2014
aw thank you!! :DD :D
Reply
:iconwinterleave:
WinterLeave Featured By Owner May 12, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome!
Reply
:iconasecretoutlet:
asecretoutlet Featured By Owner May 11, 2014
I love the atmosphere of this poem. Is it based on an experience? Just curious!
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner May 11, 2014
Yeah, I wrote it as it was happening. Lying on the floor of my uni room talking about our mental health issues and the causes of them
Reply
:iconasecretoutlet:
asecretoutlet Featured By Owner May 11, 2014
No wonder the atmosphere is so strong in this piece. Really gorgeous, I love it!
Reply
:iconlissomer:
Lissomer Featured By Owner May 11, 2014   Writer
I relate to this so much. Thank you for writing it :heart: 
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner May 11, 2014
:tighthug: Thank you for reading it. I was laying on the floor with my friends talking about our broken lives and I had to pause everything and pour it out. It was like a scene from a novel, but it was ours and lovely.
Reply
:iconlissomer:
Lissomer Featured By Owner May 11, 2014   Writer
It sounds like a nice way to spend an afternoon :heart:
Reply
:iconbananasnail:
BananaSnail Featured By Owner May 10, 2014
Wonderful. Hits powerfully.
The only thing that I would give as critique, if you're accepting of it,
is this line:
"letting music replace our immune systems"
because throughout the whole poem there wasnt an "our" until that part and it feels out of place.
(all the other ones "us" and "we" appear all the time so it feels natural.)
Maybe its just me. *flys away*
:)
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner May 11, 2014
Yay! I'm glad you enjoyed it! I don't mind that line personally, and there is another 'our' on the third line, but I will look at this with a fresh, editing eye in a few days and see how I feel about it then!

Thanks <3333
Reply
:icongarrison-kelly:
Garrison-Kelly Featured By Owner May 10, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Masterfully done! This one's going to be a huge hit! :)
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner May 11, 2014
:giggle: I don't know about that, but it captured the moment I was feeling
Reply
:icongarrison-kelly:
Garrison-Kelly Featured By Owner May 11, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
It sure did. :)
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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner May 11, 2014
:love:
Reply
:icongarrison-kelly:
Garrison-Kelly Featured By Owner May 11, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Aww! ^_^
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:iconsutathewolf:
Sutathewolf Featured By Owner May 10, 2014  Student General Artist
Ah I love it!
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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner May 11, 2014
Yay!! I'm so glad :]
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