Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login
×

:iconbloodshotink: More from BloodshotInk


Featured in Collections

Writing by MatieuCanadaWilliams

Literature Devious Collection by ShiningSteel

Poems Litterature Typography by TheForsakenGoddess


More from DeviantArt



Details

Submitted on
December 26, 2013
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
716
Favourites
60 (who?)
Comments
31
×
The sea never falls asleep
it shuffles, half drowning
in its own unspent dreams,
trying desperately to stay afloat
its glittering eyes reflecting stars
as it shudders and groans
under the weight of another day,
as the sun turns to treacle
and spreads itself thinly
across its ridge-d-back.
It tumbles and trips over,
clumsy in its deprivation state,
and tosses its limbs, its head,
over and again. It stays awake.
It can't afford to dream of rain
drumming upon its lonely door
to accompany it for eternity,
No. The sea can never fall asleep.
Add a Comment:
 
:iconlegolaspanther:
This is definitely a quiet and relaxing type of poem to read. Its essence offers comfort, and its quietness, peace. I find it interesting that your title is called 'Unwilling Awakeness'. It offers the reader a thought on what might be next. When I read this, it gave me a vision of a quiet sea lapping by the shore.

As for technique, it wouldn't hurt to add a couple of periods in there on certain sentences though. Line 1 is one example. Just certain pauses wouldn't hurt to add one.

You are doing an awesome job on your poetry Kathryn!
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

:iconbeyondjen:
BeyondJen Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Beautiful.
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2014
Thank you :rose:
Reply
:iconbeyondjen:
BeyondJen Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
'Tis my pleasure. :)
Reply
:iconprussianpersephone:
PrussianPersephone Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
This kind of runs on with itself a bit too much, but it's very lovely and almost lethargic. In a good way.
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2014
I feel like the sea does too :giggle:
Reply
:iconwallawallaw:
wallawallaw Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2013
so it is... the sea always falls, and rises... never getting tired, always pushing further...
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2013
Nods
Reply
:icon0hgravity:
0hgravity Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
really love those opening lines and definitely a fresh perspective on the sea, at least it is to me.
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2013
! Thank you! :D Yay!
Reply
:icon0hgravity:
0hgravity Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
^^
Reply
:iconlegolaspanther:
LegolasPanther Featured By Owner Dec 27, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Awesome work Kathryn!
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2013
Thank you so much!
Reply
:iconoseltamivir:
Oseltamivir Featured By Owner Dec 27, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
You always create such beautiful and interesting poetry, and it never ceases to amaze me.  You've really captured the essence of the sea here.

Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Dec 27, 2013
:'] oh thank you honey :tighthug:
Reply
:iconoseltamivir:
Oseltamivir Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
You're welcome :)
Reply
:iconleyghan:
leyghan Featured By Owner Dec 27, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
This captures the restlessness of the sea so well. :clap:
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Dec 27, 2013
:) Thank you
Reply
:iconwinterleave:
WinterLeave Featured By Owner Dec 27, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
well if you don't become a famous writer some day.. ! <3
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Dec 27, 2013
:giggle: Awww
Reply
:iconmagicaljoey:
MagicalJoey Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2013   Writer
When you do you have a whole lot of DA people to thank...that 'page' in your book will probably be at least 2 pages ;P
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2013
haha I self published twice a few years ago and a lotta DA people made their way into it XD
Reply
:iconmagicaljoey:
MagicalJoey Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2013   Writer
You can like to be genius :D
Reply
:icontales-of-tao:
Tales-of-Tao Featured By Owner Dec 27, 2013  Student General Artist
This is absolutely captivating. :heart:
The only thing I can say is...and this might be just me...I feel that the first line might be stronger if it was "The sea never sleeps". I can't explain it; I just feel partial to it. ^^; Just my two cents, but really, this is gorgeous.
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Dec 27, 2013
Hmm, worth thinking about! Thank you so much!
Reply
:icontales-of-tao:
Tales-of-Tao Featured By Owner Dec 27, 2013  Student General Artist
You're welcome. ^.^
Reply
:iconchromeantennae:
chromeantennae Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:love:
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2013
:D
Reply
:iconchromeantennae:
chromeantennae Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:) <3
Reply
:icondragonschest:
DragonsChest Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2013  Professional Writer
I love the imagery this creates... :heart:
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2013
Aw thank you!!
Reply
:icondragonschest:
DragonsChest Featured By Owner Dec 27, 2013  Professional Writer
Very welcome my sweet friend... :aww:
Reply
Add a Comment: