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"Because it's a pain that I can control when it stops, whereas the pain inside. It doesn't stop. It never stops. It's not control over the pain I need, its that power to decide when enough is enough."

That's what she told me when I asked her why she cut. But that wasn't the whole truth. And as the tally etched down her legs, the reverse of the marking of ages against a doorjamb in her parent's house, I saw another truth. I gave her space until she felt safe enough to say it out loud. An addendum to the truth:

"I need the scars, I need to be able to blame them for being unlovable. Need to be able to blame my past, my craziness, the pain and those who caused it for being unlovable. For no one wanting me. Need them to cover my body so people see them first and the shape of me second. I need them as a mask. Because if the scars are gone then the truth is obvious. That no one wants me because of my body first, and my mind second.. and I can't blame anyone but myself for those things. The scars aren't my way of showing I need love and support, they are my way of hiding the fact that I understand why no one wants to give it to me."
If you don't self harm - don't try it. It is highly addictive and solves nothing.

If you do, then I'm sorry. :tighthug: and keep fighting to stop. 


This is NOT reflective of all self harmers, merely one girls thoughts about herself. If you want to know why someone cuts you should ask THEM because everyone is different.
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:icondynamitehearts:
DynamiteHearts Featured By Owner Dec 3, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
This hit deep. Thank you.
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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Dec 11, 2014
:love: Thank you!
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:iconzohrahash:
ZohrahAsh Featured By Owner Sep 6, 2014  Hobbyist Artist
I love this so much - I can't stop reading it. It's as if you're taking muddled up words out of my mind and write something so beautiful yet depressing.
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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2014
:tighthug: 
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:iconglitteringstars:
GlitteringStars Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
The more I read of yours, the more of a fan I become. I cut, and try to stop, but it actually helps me from slipping into insanity, and I have been trying to find ways to stay sane. I find this helpful. Thank you for contributing this to the deviantART community.
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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jun 22, 2014
:love:

Thank you for reading, it makes it worth being so vulnerable to help people somewhat
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:iconglitteringstars:
GlitteringStars Featured By Owner Jun 22, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
:)
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:iconfairytail1o1:
FAIRYTAIL1O1 Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2014  Student General Artist
cutting is addictive
this much i know
clean for a year and a half 
if i may just say so
to bad that restarted on sunday night.

(i tend to answer/comment with some sort of poetic flare... woops)
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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jun 22, 2014
:tighthug:
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:iconhaphazardmelody:
haphazardmelody Featured By Owner Jun 9, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
This is incredibly brave for you to post.

I know you don't necessarily believe this, but you are a beautiful person inside and out. I've seen pictures of you as well as these little glimpses into your soul, so I can truthfully say that. I know you feel ugly, I know you feel broken, and I know you feel unlovable.

But we love you anyway. And I hope that helps. :huggle:
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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jun 15, 2014
:tighthug: You are crazy but its why I love you. hehe. <3



Thank you
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:iconhaphazardmelody:
haphazardmelody Featured By Owner Jun 16, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Hey, what I said isn't crazy. Just honest. :heart:
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:iconredfoxj:
redfoxj Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2014
This is beautifully written. And very enlightening.
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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jun 15, 2014
Thank you so much 
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:icongloryangel:
GloryAngel Featured By Owner May 29, 2014
There was a time when I wanted to cut but I started martial-arts instead. It was actually a really good decision :)
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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jun 15, 2014
I'm so glad <33
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:iconnightshade-keyblade:
nightshade-keyblade Featured By Owner May 28, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I have. Thank God I found some other way.
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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jun 15, 2014
:tighthug: I'm glad <3
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:iconnightshade-keyblade:
nightshade-keyblade Featured By Owner Jun 15, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
:hug:
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:icondenisecroy:
DeniseCroy Featured By Owner May 28, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
"Sometimes cutting doesn't mean I want to kill myself. Sometimes cutting isn't because I need the pain. Sometimes, and I feel horrible for saying it, it's because I want people to notice, and I have no other way of showing I'm not alright." 

:hug: 
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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jun 15, 2014
:tighthug:
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:iconcamelopardalisinblue:
camelopardalisinblue Featured By Owner May 28, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
:huggle:

:heart:
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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jun 15, 2014
:tighthug:
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:iconkloe-oki:
kloe-oki Featured By Owner May 27, 2014
I agree, everyone is different. and i feel the same way.
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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jun 15, 2014
:tighthug: Im sorry
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:iconkloe-oki:
kloe-oki Featured By Owner Jun 15, 2014
It's alright :tighthug:
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:iconlemondropg:
Lemondropg Featured By Owner May 27, 2014
I will not Judge you, I can only hope you find the beauty within you. I have been where you are now and I can understand your pain. Please know that you are worthy of love, companionship, lust, and sincere friendship. Most people are too interested in their own shallow little lives to even get past the face. If you would accept my friendship, I would gladly accept yours in kind.
I have never know a person who cut themselves. I think It would be very frightening! Your post was very insightful. I hope to see more from you later.
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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jun 15, 2014
Thank you :tighthug: so much
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:iconzeflyingmuppet:
ZeFlyingMuppet Featured By Owner May 27, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
It's also even worse how the media portrays self harm too... They always display it as a teen problem, which to some people, they automatically assume that they're just "going through a phase". Google self harm and a lot of the results pop up talking about teens. It's ridiculous. Like the comment below, "last time someone self harmed was 2009" yeah fuckin right. There's self harmers all around ya, ignorant prick. You also wouldn't believe how young some people start and how much older some people are.

Do you smoke? Do you drink? Are you addicted to that? Self harming ain't no different, folks. As the artist said, it is HIGHLY addictive. I used to self harm. I started the age of 11 or so, I've been clean a year now. My fiance self harms, however. He's having a tough time stopping. He started again because when he was the age of 7, he was raped. He never told anyone about it until last year. All that shit being held in really takes a toll on you. I had a shitty childhood, I also lost my mom about 3 years ago too.

The razor blade to your skin is the nicotine in your cigarette. You start to need it and do it by habit... even if you don't need it.

Also, to the people who say people that self harm are attention seekers. We're human. We fuckin' need attention. Isolation is one of the worst things. Simple as that. Though, I do understand some people do push it too far... It never hurts to give some attention to someone.

Why the world doesn't see everything it should, I don't really know. Us humans are hostile. The perfect utopia never will exist.

To the people who self harm, it will get better only if you want it to. Be strong!!! :shakefist:
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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner May 27, 2014
Nods, I self harmed since 15. I turn 27 this year. 

People say its attention seeking. My reply is, everyone needs attention, but don't you think something is wrong to be willing to do that to yourself to get attention?

Its not the problem, its a symptom of a problem
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:iconzeflyingmuppet:
ZeFlyingMuppet Featured By Owner May 27, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I believe people would rather cut themselves because they always get shot down for being so-called "attention seekers." That might be part of why they would rather do that. They would rather not catch shit, but would hurt themselves as the alternative :/ it saddens me...

I also get upset when people don't want help. My mom was an alcoholic real bad, and she never wanted help. Because of that, she was impossible to reach out to.
It sucks, but people have to want help :c
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:iconicecream954:
IceCream954 Featured By Owner May 27, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Amazing.
Many people I know over the internet claim that they self-harm because of other peoples' insults, and I don't like it. I guess I never really understood why they did it like they do until now. I'll keep trying to stop them as best as I can, and I made a vow to myself that I would never self-harm ever.
Beautiful work, by the way. Clap 
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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner May 27, 2014
Yes I definitely do not encourage it. Its an addiction that stays with you for many many many many years. and it solves nothing
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:iconicecream954:
IceCream954 Featured By Owner May 27, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Exactly. Trying to take away the mental pain and then having it replaced by worse physical pain does absolutely nothing.
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:iconrippchord023:
Rippchord023 Featured By Owner May 27, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
I don't cut, but I get this. I really do. It's horrible that any of us have to feel this way, but it just always seems like these feelings will just persist until we die if they don't cause it to happen first. Thanks for putting it into words. 
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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner May 27, 2014
:tighthug: :tears: If you don't, never do. It doesnt help.
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:iconrippchord023:
Rippchord023 Featured By Owner May 27, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
I don't cut, but I treat myself like crap a lot. I almost went into a paragraph about the stuff I went through/am going through. I'll just sum it up with Life sucks and then you die. That's my general sentiment. 
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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner May 27, 2014
Yep, I know them feels. I just wish the second half of that was done already
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:iconrippchord023:
Rippchord023 Featured By Owner May 27, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
I'm actually determined to stick around in spite of it. If I've stuck around this long, I might as well keep going. It's either going to get better or it's going to get worse. 
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:iconfantasylover100:
fantasylover100 Featured By Owner May 27, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Cutting solves nothing. I wish those who did it would realize and fight the urge to do it. They ARE loved. I know that's not the only reason why some would cut, but it's an example. For those who do, fight the urge. Cutting and self harm only leads to pain and worse. Talk it out with someone instead. Someone will listen and try to help. You have people who care about you. None of them would want you to do this. Whatever the reason, talk it out. Don't cause harm to yourself. It solves nothing.
Reply
:iconeverdeen127475:
everdeen127475 Featured By Owner May 27, 2014  Student Writer
Beautiful...Just...Beautiful... Cry forever 
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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner May 27, 2014
Thank you :[
Reply
:iconeverdeen127475:
everdeen127475 Featured By Owner May 27, 2014  Student Writer
It is very touching, i love it so much   (for a second, i was afraid you would take that as sarcasm before XD)
Reply
:iconwhetsit-tuya:
Whetsit-Tuya Featured By Owner May 27, 2014  Student Filmographer
The last time someone cut was 2009
Reply
:iconwaffles-of-gondolyn:
Waffles-Of-Gondolyn Featured By Owner May 27, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
what are you talking about? people mutilate themselves every day, especially teens. 
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:iconsilencedbook9:
Silencedbook9 Featured By Owner May 27, 2014  Student Writer
Huggle! Huggle! Huggle! Huggle! Huggle! Huggle! Huggle! Huggle! Huggle! Huggle! Huggle! Huggle! Huggle! Huggle! Huggle! Huggle! 
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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner May 27, 2014
Thank you :tighthug:
Reply
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