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I've got saltwater in my nose and sadness on my lungs,
think I'm sinking again but that is what becomes,
of crazy little kids with nothing but a dream,
to numb out the pain of their low self esteem.
fuck. what the fuck am I doing.
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:icon1018silvermooniris:
This is a good depiction of what it is like while suffering problems of low self esteem whether it is because of family problems, bullying at school, just not having very many friends, or anything else that could cause such a let down in someone and make them not feel good enough. Short and bittersweet, this gives an outlook of how one may drown when their dreams seem reachable yet are so very far away. I have personally been in this state of drowning in the anxiety of everything seemingly crashing down on me, and sweet dreams being only lies.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
3 out of 3 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconbunocerous:
I think this has really a really good flow in this peace, and the rhythm and wordplay work very well together. However I think it needs a little consistency. In the beginning the reference to saltwater has a powerful hook, but it would seem a little more developed if that motif was repeated more throughout the poem. I think the emotional part is perfect, and I usually like my own poems to be just as vague about the back story. However conventionally you could add more, though it is not necessary for a finished feeling to the piece. Altogether this has so much great potential.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
1 out of 1 deviants thought this was fair.

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:iconalfangmindsculptor42:
AlFangMindSculptor42 Featured By Owner May 6, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
This is beautiful.
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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner May 11, 2014
oh thank you :tighthug:
Reply
:iconalfangmindsculptor42:
AlFangMindSculptor42 Featured By Owner May 11, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
You're welcome.
Reply
:iconkloe-oki:
kloe-oki Featured By Owner May 5, 2014
wow....powerful thats for sure.
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner May 11, 2014
Thank you :tighthug:
Reply
:iconkloe-oki:
kloe-oki Featured By Owner May 11, 2014
Welcome! :tighthug:
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:icon0hgravity:
0hgravity Featured By Owner May 5, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
writing, you're writing.

deep breaths.

:hug:
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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner May 11, 2014
:tighthug: Thank you, always
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:iconzpickard:
zpickard Featured By Owner May 5, 2014  Student General Artist
Excellent piece, makes one think of Edgar Allen Poe's work, as one of the other commenters pointed out. Very deep, very passionate, very powerful. Well written, and expressive description really finishes off the point. Well done. 
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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner May 11, 2014
Squee! Compliment CITY. Thank you so sos osndjdkngmfdogm so much. Sorry, I got excited :giggle:

Thank you, sincerely :tighthug: That is incredibly kind!!
Reply
:iconsaltwaterlungs:
saltwaterlungs Featured By Owner May 4, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Whoa hey, it's my username!

And if you want to talk, my note box is always open!
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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner May 11, 2014
Thank you, I can't communicate really. It's part of my disorder. Poetry is as close as it gets. I try and be honest here.
Reply
:iconsaltwaterlungs:
saltwaterlungs Featured By Owner May 11, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I can relate. I have a difficult time expressing myself with my mouth too
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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner May 11, 2014
:Tighthug: Thank you honey
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:iconghostoftheemptygrave:
You're welcome, my friend :hug:
Reply
:icondragonschest:
DragonsChest Featured By Owner May 4, 2014  Professional Writer
Goodness Gracious  
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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner May 11, 2014
I hope thats a good sign?
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:icondragonschest:
DragonsChest Featured By Owner May 11, 2014  Professional Writer
Yes it is the Good sign... :dance:
Reply
:iconinnoctemn:
innoctemn Featured By Owner May 4, 2014
strong. very strong poetry. and very deep.:huggle:
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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner May 11, 2014
oh thank you :tighthug:! So much
Reply
:iconwinterleave:
WinterLeave Featured By Owner May 4, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
very powerful and pretty!
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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner May 11, 2014
Thanks Winter <333
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:iconwinterleave:
WinterLeave Featured By Owner May 11, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome!
Reply
:iconchromeantennae:
chromeantennae Featured By Owner May 4, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
:huggle: I love you.
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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner May 11, 2014
and I you, you are such an incredible friend. You never seem to forget about me even when I dont have the strength to reply to anyones messages.
Reply
:iconchromeantennae:
chromeantennae Featured By Owner May 11, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I could never forget you, lovely Ms. K. You are amazing, Kathryn. :heart:
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner May 11, 2014
As are you :rose:
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:iconchromeantennae:
chromeantennae Featured By Owner May 11, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
:rose:
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:iconeclecticquill:
EclecticQuill Featured By Owner May 4, 2014  Student Writer
Bleak and despairing, it makes me think of Edgar Allan Poe's lines "All that we see or seem, is but a dream within a dream." 
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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner May 11, 2014
wow, what a compliment <33 thank you. . and yes, sadly a lot of my life is spent bleak and despairing. but some days arent, so thats good
Reply
:icongosaku:
Gosaku Featured By Owner May 4, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
"what the fuck am I doing," not a question, but a statement. Lovely portrayal of a depth, of the depth of pressure the sea has in its deep. Ties in nicely with drowning.
The pressure of sadness, the pressure of dreams; lovely, paced and deep are underwater streams.
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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner May 11, 2014
:tighthug: Thank you so much. I have always connected very deeply to water, having grown up in a harbourside coastal town and my favourite poem from very young being 'not waving but drowning' by stevie smith
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