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Submitted on
May 4
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I've got saltwater in my nose and sadness on my lungs,
think I'm sinking again but that is what becomes,
of crazy little kids with nothing but a dream,
to numb out the pain of their low self esteem.
fuck. what the fuck am I doing.
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:icon1018silvermooniris:
This is a good depiction of what it is like while suffering problems of low self esteem whether it is because of family problems, bullying at school, just not having very many friends, or anything else that could cause such a let down in someone and make them not feel good enough. Short and bittersweet, this gives an outlook of how one may drown when their dreams seem reachable yet are so very far away. I have personally been in this state of drowning in the anxiety of everything seemingly crashing down on me, and sweet dreams being only lies.
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The Artist thought this was FAIR
3 out of 3 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconbunocerous:
I think this has really a really good flow in this peace, and the rhythm and wordplay work very well together. However I think it needs a little consistency. In the beginning the reference to saltwater has a powerful hook, but it would seem a little more developed if that motif was repeated more throughout the poem. I think the emotional part is perfect, and I usually like my own poems to be just as vague about the back story. However conventionally you could add more, though it is not necessary for a finished feeling to the piece. Altogether this has so much great potential.
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1 out of 1 deviants thought this was fair.

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:iconaloysia42:
Aloysia42 Featured By Owner May 6, 2014  Student General Artist
This is beautiful.
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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner May 11, 2014
oh thank you :tighthug:
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:iconaloysia42:
Aloysia42 Featured By Owner May 11, 2014  Student General Artist
You're welcome.
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:iconkloe-oki:
kloe-oki Featured By Owner May 5, 2014
wow....powerful thats for sure.
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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner May 11, 2014
Thank you :tighthug:
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:iconkloe-oki:
kloe-oki Featured By Owner May 11, 2014
Welcome! :tighthug:
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:icon0hgravity:
0hgravity Featured By Owner May 5, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
writing, you're writing.

deep breaths.

:hug:
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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner May 11, 2014
:tighthug: Thank you, always
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:iconzpickard:
zpickard Featured By Owner May 5, 2014  Student General Artist
Excellent piece, makes one think of Edgar Allen Poe's work, as one of the other commenters pointed out. Very deep, very passionate, very powerful. Well written, and expressive description really finishes off the point. Well done. 
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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner May 11, 2014
Squee! Compliment CITY. Thank you so sos osndjdkngmfdogm so much. Sorry, I got excited :giggle:

Thank you, sincerely :tighthug: That is incredibly kind!!
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