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I really like the concept of this piece, but I feel that you could have used a fresher manner to portray the final lines, unfortunately they are too familiar to have an impact, which makes the poem feel either unfinished or unimpressive - when actually you have laid a solid groundwork in the first parts.

I really like "In a manner not unlike" here, it suits the narrative voice and gives a maturity to the voice which allows for the narrators philosophical tone, which is very clever.

I would just look at the punctuation, because a couple of minutes of you looking at where you want the breaks to be saves the reader from having to work out where those breaks are, and means that they won't be distracted from your message.
The Artist thought this was FAIR
3 out of 4 deviants thought this was fair.

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