2000. 11. 14.

youtu.be/w1oM3kQpXRo

I am not going to lie and play it cool... I will readily admit I was waiting and watching and hoping.. and now it has happened. I just got my 2000th watcher. I don't remember how many watchers I had (and removed from watching me) when I left a couple of years ago, it really doesn't matter. I don't think I am the same artist, or person, I was then really. I ran a lot of competitions then, and back then they were rarer.. this time I feel like my watchers are here to watch me, not to see what they can get from me.... and it feels amazing...

so, that's my roundabout way of saying thank you. Next week I will turn deviantART 6 years old. But the past 11 months since I rejoined have been some of my best times here. Thanks to all my watchers and .. just thank you. I am not expressing myself very well but I am so happy.



and now, I suppose, its time for a personal update.

This is difficult to write because I am teetering right on the edge of that thing I hate so much - hope... but I will try for you guys.


14 months ago I couldn't leave my house. I had been locked in for just under 8 years. I could count the number of people I spoke to in any given month on my fingers... I was suicidal, broken, and doing anything I could to just survive and hope it got better. I didn't want to hope. I wanted hope to die so that I could. But whilst I had hope my brain wouldn't allow me to self destruct completely. So I lived a half awake life of agony.


One month ago I started a degree as a mature student. (I'm 26). I have always, since the age of about 8, wanted to do a degree. I love education. But the worse my mental health got the less likely it became... and now... I'm here.

I live ON campus with no one to prompt me to eat sleep or live.

I joined Performing Arts, Radio, Musical Theatre and Comedy societies.

I've made friends.

I auditioned to compere (host) the Performing Arts society showcase with a guy I met called Matt. I wrote the script and they LOVED it. It looks like I might have gotten the part too so I'll be writing and performing this huge role in the show...

I was asked to *direct* the Pantomime! (written by my dad DaveJeanes)

but the thing that really struck me hard was last night, (Saturday), I performed on a charity stage as part of a comedy sketch. I had 7 - 8 lines and I didn't write them (but they were funny XD) but when I came off stage, with no family or old friends there, just these new people I've known less than a month, I felt so emotional.

because 14 months from where I was to this...

seems surreal.

Seems unbelievable.


I still feel afraid. More so now, I think, because now I know precisely what is at stake if I break down. These people I've met, friends now, the societies, the activities... Even the course which is run by passionate and incredible writers.


It's hard to keep a grip on this all because I want it to work so much. I am so happy. Not like I don't have bad days, or I don't cry or feel like I can't do it... obviously that still happens - but most days I go to bed exhausted, and having spent at least an hour giggling somewhere with someone.

I am very lucky.

and I feel like, maybe... I deserve that luck? I had to keep myself alive for 8 years, and although that doesn't sound like much its the hardest thing I've ever had to do. There were whole chunks of time where I'd be suicidal from the second I woke up til I went to sleep, and it was torture.


So if you are anything like me, like I was... still am... and you hear people say "It will get better", and you think "no it won't.".... I can't promise. I can't read the future... but all I can say is, 14 months ago I couldn't leave my house, and 99% of the time I couldn't leave my room... and yesterday I wore a lion hat on a stage in the city center I love.